2 year marker

Friday marked year 2 of my dad's passing
not a day has passed where my heart has not felt the pangs of missing him
of feeling something major is missing
As time slowly marches on the instant reaction of wanting to call him is fading
I don't know if that makes me feel better or more sad

Milestones are hard ... watching Brahm grow and knowing what a kick my dad would have had with him... knowing that Brahm would have adored him... it's hard
Brahm's paternal grandfather is 91, lives in California and has dementia so Brahm has never and will not ever know the love of a grandpa... and that makes me terribly sad as well!

it down right sucks

Today I went for my annual checkup and going over the history of my family and knowing this Spring I have to have another colonoscopy as colon/liver cancer ran/runs strong in my dad's side and this all makes me at higher risk
I don't want to die the way my dad, his brother and their mother died (and several other cousins/uncles)

I find that fear is a close "friend" of mine these days. Since my dad died my Faith bubble has popped and I am having a hard time getting it back!!
Watching my dad slowly wither away, praying so hard for a miracle, knowing miracles can happen as I have witnessed them before and even experienced them in my own life... and not getting our answer to prayer = faith POP

I struggle with it all... struggle with the fear, struggle with the feeling like it doesn't matter what I pray cuz what will be will be and contrary to what I was taught to believe we are not in control of any of it. Fear thoughts keep me up at night and it's a bit of a battle to sometimes walk out my day while the thoughts dive bomb my consciousness

I am watching a dear friend of mine walk a brutal journey (sometimes I loath the word "journey" but that's a bunny trail) of cancer with her husband.... I pray... I still pray even with the fear at the back of my mind and forefront of my heart that what will be will be and maybe it doesn't matter if I pray or not but she is always close to my thoughts and so I continue to pray the way I was taught and I will continue to do so because that is how I was raised... and I read her posts with awe at the level of her faith. She inspires me.

My dad was a warrior. Like the picture of him above. He fought valiantly right until his last breath.
Yes he cried a few times
He didn't want to leave my mom... I think that made him fight even when it was obvious (at least to me) that he wasn't going to win this one. I don't know when or if he knew he wasn't going to "win"
I am mad at him for not winning
I am mad at God for not healing him
I am angry that he is gone
I am angry about it all still

tears are springing

how do you let this go?

how do you walk out life with such a huge disappointment?

it's not like I am the only one!

Just watch the news and what people are facing on a daily basis makes me feel like I am selfish and like I should just be over it

but I am not

yes I know where he is
but I still feel broken


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