I sit here at my desk with a million thoughts swirling through my head... while the swirling million thoughts is nothing new they are mostly about the election this past week and the craziness that I see mostly on Facebook and I cannot seem to sort them all out ....
so here I sit .. hoping that pounding them out here .. my therapy place .. will help to not just sort them out but hopefully put some to bed
the hate that I see ... that I personally have had directed at me ... it's scary ... it's sad and it's totally blowing my mind and I hope driving me in the end to continue to just be the best me that I can
I am an always look for the silver lining kind of girl cuz the weight of the crap one endures in life is rather heavy and I guess in that sense I am an optimist!
I hope the silver lining in this for me is just what I had said .. that I continue to be the best me that I can and that in doing that I can achieve peace in my life and in the lives of those that I am IN LIFE with!
this leads to me to another question... are the people that I am "friends" with online people I actually do LIFE with? should they be?
I came to the conclusion earlier this week that the answer for some is no
and that's ok
I am the driver of my life and only I can control what I allow and not allow
here are some of the thoughts in no particular order that are constantly swirling :
I have been told this week that since I am white I am automatically privileged ... I am not sure what they define as privileged but I am assuming they mean that I have never been judged by the colour of my skin .. which I am pretty sure that statement is exactly a judgement to me because of the colour of my skin ... I cannot control what colour my skin is anymore than any other person can ... have I ever been judged by the colour of my skin prior to this week? not that I am aware of no and for that I am thankful and feel so sad (word doesn't do it justice) for those that do/have ..
so who am I? I was born in the Lower Mainland of Beautiful British Columbia .. so thankful!!! what an amazing beautiful DIVERSE place to grow up .. my parents loved me .. always!!!! that has never been a question in my life and I am so thankful for that. My parents were not born in BC, but in 2 different Provinces in Canada... their parents were also born in the same Provinces they were ... I can trace back my direct grandparents in Canada for 3 and 4 generations .. so totally blessed and thankful .. before that my ancestors crossed the Atlantic Ocean looking for a better place ... some from Norway and Sweden immigrating to North Dakota where my 4th removed Grandfather was the only sibling in his family, to immigrate to the Canadas, as it was known back then ... some from England being banished to the Canadas for being pregnant by a Royal (she was a lady in waiting to the Royal Family) ....some were from Germany and to this day no one knows if they were Nazi's or not. For awhile I was embarrassed to say I had German in my background as I was afraid of being judged for being a Nazi descendant .. truth is I could be and we just don't know ... some were from the Ukraine from a Jewish village who's history is untraceable on Ancestery.com and we all know the probable cause of that! .... and this is the background I come from .. a people in their time fighting horrors we read about in books, the lucky ones to survive crossing the Atlantic and a people who changed their names and hid their Jewish roots ... survivors for sure .. but then if you are alive today and reading this then you too are a descendant from a survivor!
I don't remember ever being taught to hate .. fear yes .. my parents were extreme Christians back in the day and we were taught to fear many many many things ... and yet I was not a fearful child ... I was loved fed clothed and sheltered and yes benefited from the struggles that my ancestors fought through so many generations ago ... I guess you could say I am privileged thanks to them. I have had to overcome a lot of the fears that we were taught and my parents also came to realize they had been living in fear and learned about God's GRACE and so are different people today then they were back then... isn't that our obligation as responsible adults? to overcome our challenges and find ways to rise above them?
When I was a girl all I could think of was being a missionary to Africa ... and to the horror of my mother who will tell you there was NO stopping me I went to YWAM when I was just 17 years old for 6 months. (the horror part was I was only 17 years old and her baby girl and allowing me to go so far away - keep in mind people this was before Facebook and smartphones!!)
I could do 1,000 blogs of my time there ... it was amazing, it was extremely educational and I cherish the memories every single day ... one day I hope I can go back!
I never once was treated better because I was white when I was there ... however I did feel, at the wise age of 17 :), that as a woman/girl I was treated less than ... the boys had the better accommodations and better bathrooms while us girls, it felt, got the left overs and the squat toilet and bucket shower ... I felt in town not privileged because I was white but weary as I was a girl ... in the matatu's us girls were made to stand up so the men could sit ... us girls would get cheated buying from the street venders but not the guys ... there was a definite divide in the sexes that I had never experienced before nor quite to that degree since. It was a little shocking to my 17 year old self to be sure.
I also experienced a love that was overwhelming .. the people that we met and worked with were HAPPY and sang and loved and shared even though they had by any 1st world countries standards, nothing, nothing at all.. they taught me sooo much about love and giving and being content with what you have. I think every Western teenager should be sent to places where people are happy and loving and giving with so little ... it was the biggest lesson I learned there! They would welcome us into their village, feed us a giant feast, give us presents and they had ripped clothing, some no shoes and lived in shacks.... they had a love that you just don't see here very often, hearts to be envied and charity worth striving for.
I fell in love with the people there.
why do I share all this? what is the point? maybe to defend myself, maybe to explain where I come from and the ugliness I see today and have felt this past week it's just so unfounded to me
It's hard to understand that in North America in both Canada and the USA that we have places where people are living so far below poverty (still nothing compared to what I saw with my own eyes in Kenya) and have so little... and it's hard for me to understand that in North America and in both Canada and the USA that there are so many people filled with so much hate ... hate if you don't think like them or vote how they do or spew their rhetoric online .... hate for you for the privilege of the colour of your skin and hate for others for the sexual orientation or the colour of their skin or their spiritual beliefs... it just keeps going on and on and on .. .so much hate
I was basically told that I cannot understand the anger of all this due to the colour of my skin which makes me question, why are you angry at me for not getting it if I CAN'T even get it? seriously?! if I am so ignorant because of my white privilege why the anger at me for being ignorant?.. I obviously cannot help it!!
I cannot change the colour of my skin. I cannot change where I was born or the parents/background I was born too.
I can change how I use my voice, and I think using ones voice is so important, I just believe that when it is delivered with grace, respect and kindness it goes a lot further.
I can change how I live my life and how I give to others, how I love others, how I show my response and attitude to my children who I believe are my #1 priority and the people I am most responsible for.
I can be the change I want to see ... that is my choice
I do believe it's time to put the megaphone of hate down ... whether it's screaming at people on line for voting the way they did, or participating in violent demonstrations... like how is breaking business windows saying anything?! or how is that productive or getting your point across?. I saw an interview the other day with these young people in Seattle who were saying they didn't know how to express their anger over the election results .. so they lit garbage on fire in the streets .... really???!!! I don't get that?! but again maybe it's due to like I said before, I am white privilege, so I can't get it?! (that was sarcasm just FYI)
So where do I go from here? how do I get over this and lick my "wounds", "ego" at having what I consider judgement thrown my way?
This is what I am formulating ... I think we all have gifts and I believe some have the gift of advocacy and that is awesome, this doesn't mean no one else cares for important issues, it's just that some are extremely passionate about it and again I think that's awesome. My dad had an amazing gift of Faith ... it was an amazing gift. My mom has an incredible gift of managing finances, some may not realize this is a gift but she really is amazing at it. My sister Tam has an incredible gift of compassion for children with severe special needs, she loves the kids in her class with 150% of her being. My sister Kim has the gift of giving, even when she has had little she would give you the shirt off her back. My sister Shash has the gift of teaching, she is an amazing preacher but she also constantly drops gifts of wisdom and sows into so many peoples lives on a daily basis. My friend dini has the gift of friendship... honestly she has more great close friends then I ever knew one could juggle! My friend Patti has the gift of creativity and wisdom, she creates amazing things with her hands and her eyes pick up on the smallest of details in her creations and in peoples lives and has amazing insights .... I could go on and on ... I am surrounded with people with amazing gifts.. I am blessed. I love that the people around me help to complete and compliment me and help me to see things I wouldn't naturally see or know on my own .. and I think the reason they are able to do that in my life is that I have recognized the need for those gifts in my life and also because they don't hammer it down my throat for me to be JUST LIKE THEM ... they love me unconditionally and encourage me, they don't shame me or berate me for my opinions even if/when they differ from theirs ...
and I can't help but wonder ... wouldn't this world have more love grace and kindness if everyone just loved more, judged less and acted out the change they wanted to see?