being a MOM

When I was a child I had pretty much decided that when I grew up I was going to be a missionary! I was going to travel the world and hold as many unwanted babies as I could.

I was pretty positive this was going to happen and going to Kenya with YWAM for 6 months at 17 years old pretty much cemented it into me that that is what I wanted to do with my life....

Then when I was 19 something happened to me that changed the course of my life forever

I am not going to blog the details of that .. not now .. but needless to say I found myself a scared, disillusioned, confused, hurt and wounded pregnant 19 year old...

this was not my life plan

Being pregnant with this at the time very unwanted baby was one of the most difficult times in my life. There even was a day, a really bad day, that I stood in the kitchen staring at a knife, contemplating how I could possibly live another day. That was a dark day. To this day when I look back at that time it feels as if a tornado of emotions and very very dark days are swirling around me .. although there has been so much healing.. obviously... that time was dark for me and the one person who was there for me above all others was my mother! this is why my mom and I are so close! we've always been close but this time she was the thread that held me here.

When I finally was in full labour with her I didn't want to push .. 2 1/2 hours of me fighting my body's natural instinct to push this baby out and I didn't want it .. didn't want what was happening to me.. didn't want to be a single mom .. didn't want to be shamed and judged.. didn't want to NOT be a missionary anymore as I was sure that dream was long gone.

Then she finally was born

They laid her on my chest

and the worries of what others thought melted away in a flash

like they were gone gone

all that was left was this overwhelming instant and total love for this baby

Life wasn't like magically ALL better after that! when you are deeply wounded it takes time to heal .. and most likely counselling and lots of prayer and seeking God!

At that time I wasn't aware of how much lingering damage was still there ... but that's another story :) 

This little girl was so amazing to me .. I was a great mother! :) ... even if I say so myself :)

When she was 1 1/2 I married and wanted so badly to provide her with siblings close to her own age .. giving her that I felt would make things more "normal" for her! as if somehow giving her a sibling close in age would somehow fix things for her.

I suffered 5 miscarriages in a row and I have blogged many a time about this ... it was crazy for me in my head going through all that .. how was I loosing the babies I wanted so much and kept the baby that I hadn't wanted, although I couldn't imagine my life without her... it was an internal torture for me over and over and I relived many a nightmare in those years. On top of that I really believe that I married in a place of brokenness and therefore chose someone who in my view was also broken... 2 broken people does not a happy marriage make!

When Morgan was almost 5 years old her little sister Emily was born ... and so began a healing couple of years for me as Emily was quickly followed by Hailey and then another loss and then Faith completed our family ... at that time!! man how much life changes! sometimes I still cannot believe everything I have walked through ... key being I have WALKED through it :) not stayed there!!! 

The year of the divorce was so hard on the girls .. understatement .. it's still hard in aspects! Morgan was 16 and grade 12 was almost a disaster for her!

This girl of mine has been through so much!

BUT she found a man who is so gentle and kind and soft to her ... they are so perfect together!

And watching her in labour with her first child it was like having flash backs of all the years gone by .. of me in labour with her at the very same hospital .. of the fears I had .. of the joy I had when I saw her .. and here she was about to become a mother herself! surreal! so much has happened over the years... so many more hurts and so many more triumphs! personally I am in the best place of my life and I am so glad that I am standing in that place in my life when I welcomed this little blessing 

I think it's kind of funny that I was so desperate to have a belly buddy :) when I was pregnant with Brahm! none of my friends are having babies!!! I knew it was possible but didn't think it would happen with my daughter! The timing is actually incredible as we are able to give them all our baby things and I am thrilled it's a boy as my son Brahm ... Uncle Brahm if you please :) .. now has a forever playmate cuz he is SO not getting a sibling close in age to him, I am so over that!!!! Alistair and Brahm have each other and Alistair gets all Brahm's hand me downs and all the baby advice my daughter needs is pretty fresh in my memory :)

She is a great mom! I am so very proud of her. 

I may not be a missionary, I may have received a ton of judgement and shaming in my lifetime , I may have a lot more to go through.. hello I still have 3 teen girls at home and a baby boy!!! ... my life has not turned out the way that I planned when I was a child except for the being a mom part and that brings me such JOY


and while I am not loving the title of Grandma.. cuz I am way too young for that :) ... I love my little Alistair and I love being his Lala!!! 


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