This season I am in ... having a baby over 40, raising teen girls, remarried, my dad battling for his life, and the latest finding out I am going to be a grandma ... it's had it's challenges!
My plate is officially full :)
As I have been attempting to plan Christmas and plaster as much Christmas Spirit on my face for the sake of my kids, in my head I have been reeling
Just keeping it real!
This is tough
I feel like I am going through so many motions and yet feel a disconnect inside.
I don't want this to be a debbie downer post but I feel the need to keep it real and to document for my sake and for my kids what this time is like for me.
I also am approaching the end of my maternity leave and heading back to work soon and I am busy all up in my head trying to figure out how it will work and even though I know ... sort of... that it will all work out, I spend many hours there, in my mind, going over possible scenarios!
I think I might be ADHD :)
Watching my dad suffer .. this is probably the single most hard experience of my life... harder then the miscarriages... harder then the divorce... harder then being a single parent to 4 girls... harder then giving birth at 40 ... harder then anything .. it sucks and I hate it and feel so completely helpless and I, being a control freak, hate that as well.
I feel myself constantly having what I refer to as my personal 12 step program ... I am perpetually stuck on the "letting go" step ... (ok I don't really know the steps but I imagine that is one of them!!) ... I have to let my dad "go" into bigger hands
... I have to let my teens "go" into bigger hands
... I have to let my need for control "go" into bigger hands
... I have to let the immigration and my desire for a bigger house where the baby can safely play on the floor and not be so immediately surrounded by STUFF ... and a yard, lots and lots of yard, for him to explore and play and I can watch from the kitchen window :) ... and my hubby can have a shop and have a place where he loves to hang out and do what he loves to do .. and my girls can have a separate living room and more space ... and I can have a studio, that is my dream... and I have to keep letting it go as I cannot control the pace of this.
and it all makes me take a deep deep breath .. like literally typing that all out I was holding my breath!
I keep thinking back to the Christmas's of my childhood and longing for what I remember as a much more simplistic time ... but maybe that is because I was the kid and not responsible for it all?!?! my perspective of it all being so relaxing and chill and no pressure is most likely due to my age at that time ha ha ha .. it's a TAD different being the parent and having to BE santa!!
So I keep plugging along .. trying to get all the things I want to get done and do it with a little Christmas Cheer ... and I try to prioritize and be ok with interruptions and walk through my daily letting it go list ... and I tell myself that all things work out in the end .. and if they haven't worked out yet that simply means it isn't the end!!!
I think if it is possible that I want to not work Friday's when I go back in Feb .. I want to make them Free Friday's .. to do what I love to do and spend time with my baby and friends and hopefully not a crazy day of catch up on housework and errands alone!!! but to do my crafts/art and have coffee with my friends!!
It is so important to keep me in my priority list!!! us mom's have a hard time with that one!
Update on my dad:
Dad was drained yesterday .. they drained 3 litres and he found it quite a bit more painful then the last drains .. he is done with his 6 rounds of chemo ... he has started to see a local Naturalpath and is currently started on Vitamin C therapy .. he is still very nauseous a lot of the time and the other issue he has which has NOTHING to do with the cancer, his damaged Esophagus and Acid Reflux and Hernia at the top of his stomach has not been helped with the chemo .. the Naturalpath is trying to help dad's digestive system and get him to gain some VERY much needed weight.
Just to recap
The Surgery is OFF the table ... Dad had decided to not go through with the Hipec surgery even before he found out he has some cancer in his left lung (in the fluid around his lung) .. at this point we don't know what this means as far as the Oncologist is concerned .. dad had another CT scan this week and we will not know the results until sometime next week .. dad will then have to make more decisions I am sure
Dad is going the Natural Medicine route now .. he is at peace with working with this Naturalpath and we all respect his decision and acknowledge only dad can make these very tough calls!!! (that's a HUGE hint that we want everyone to respect it and keep their opinions to themselves!)
Mom and Dad are very positive .. it is in their DNA to be positive but it is important to know they are human :) .. this has been very difficult and hard and it has shaken them but in their own words "they have not been moved" .. my parents faith is as strong as ever and their stand is so honourable and inspiring. Hope is a must and they have lots of it .. although at times tears have been shed and discouragement has been strongly felt.
Dad has been busy going and buying Christmas presents for all his kids grandkids and great grandkids ... my dad's already generous nature has taken warp speed and he is on a mission to bless his family.. pushing past nausea and being sick and weak and being so very tired most of the time .. can we say SELFLESS!!!! my dad is selfless .. my dad is amazing ... my dad is my hero and words really don't do him justice!!
There are some side effects of all the chemo and just having cancer .. his hearing has been effected.. so sometimes things are hard for him to hear and other times it's like everything is echoing and ringing and this is not a pleasant experience for him .. he also is a little "short" to say it nicely :) love you daddy but sometimes you are a little grumpy!! and that is ok cuz I can only imagine how miserable it is to be the one physically experiencing this!! we love you through it all!!
He texts me daily with Morning Lala .. what a better way to start my day?!
and once again I cannot say it enough .. the love the encouragement and the support has been overwhelming and so so so needed :)
so even though at times I am mustering up some Christmas Cheer really from the bottom of my heart I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!!