the fear is real

When I first became a mom and the old age of 19!! I planed on emulating my oldest sister who had 3 kids .. my oldest sister is totally Type A personality ... she also has a little OCD and I wish I had some of her cleaning skills :) ... she is organized and scheduled to the T .... and when I was to embark on parenthood... a young single mom as it turned out ... I wanted to be JUST LIKE HER!

SO I tried VERY hard to quickly schedule my baby ... I timed the feedings, just like my sister did and rotated my baby when I put her down in her bassinet ... just like my sister did ... and I sat in a chair in my room to feed her ... just like my sister did ....

it lasted a few weeks!

My oldest had colic ... from 5pm to 3am she screamed her little lungs out ... NOTHING would soothe her except to nurse her which meant of course she over nursed so she puked it all out .. and by puke I mean project it to the other side of the room poltergeist style!! and then her little tummy was empty so guess what ... she wanted to nurse again ... and this would go on and on from 5pm-3am for 6 straight weeks!!

I threw out my schedule pretty quickly

Thing is ... I am not a scheduled A type personality .. oh you already knew that eh?! yup I think I was the last to know that you cannot emulate a personality type that you are NOT ... and I am pretty far from being my sister .. although I admire her and her strengths and qualities and she's just a ball of fun and I am SOOOO blessed to have her as one of my closest friends AND my big sister ... but I realized I am not like her ... I cannot parent like she did

So I figured out how to parent my oldest daughter and thought OK THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT ... and then I had my 2nd ....

my ideal parenting expertise lasted a few weeks!

My 2nd was SO different from my first!! not so much a colic problem but as she was born with an underdeveloped trachea we had to be so careful she didn't get sick which would have ended up with her getting a tracheotomy and no one wants that! She also was born after 5 miscarriages ... to say I was petrified of SIDS or her getting sick and a tracheotomy put in is an understatement ... everything I thought I knew had to be readjusted to this new little personality and new fears had a deep root in most reasoning in how I was parenting ....

Then I had a 3rd ..... and this one again had me throw out what I thought I had grown to know with the 2nd... this one cried and cried and cried .. ended up that she has a very slow digestive system and if I fed her an ounce too much she barfed it all up .. 2 years of carefully trying to figure out what that ounce too much was and learning to carry extra clothes for her and me all the time and then discovering that this little one and I have extreme head butting capacities ... and then I was pregnant with baby #4 with a miscarriage thrown in before hand for extra fear measures!

Baby #4 was SOOOO relaxed and easy going ... she was the poster child for what I felt the experts said a baby SHOULD be like ... she slept anywhere hardly cried and smiled at everyone ...

I co-slept with ALL the babies ... the fear I had of them dying of SIDS was so strong that I could not sleep when they were not tucked into the safety of the crook of my arms... and no I never rolled over on them and when the time came they all slept in their own beds ... the hardest one to transition into her own bed was surprisingly my youngest most easy going happy child ... in fact she couldn't sleep alone until recently and she is 13 years old now!! When I was getting remarried I had to really crack down on her to sleep in her own bed .. not such a good marriage starter to have a 10/11 year old trying to crawl into bed with you!!!

and now SOOOOOOO many years later and I am doing it ALL over again ... yup I am crazy and happy and have zero regrets!! .... and my little guy is again so different .. he loves to sleep in-between me and his daddy and he is so happy and well adjusted and loved by sooo many .. there is no shortage of hands wanting to hold him in this house!!

Due to having yet 2 more miscarriages before him and knowing the odds were stacked against us with our age and my history, the fear I knew when I had my girls was back with him ... the kind of fear that can be immobilizing if you let it ... the fear of SIDS, fear of something going sideways ... cuz having a miscarriage is such a devestating life changing experience ... fear grips and I have had to learn to tuck thoughts away ... to face the night terrors and to function with understanding there are things you cannot control and you control what you can!

The fears are real and present and understandable

and I don't think you just have had a miscarriage to have these fears ... maybe it took a really long time to get pregnant... or you had been told you would never have children and that voice lingers in your mind and whispers to you every step of the way  ... having your miracle baby brings so much joy but it also comes with a fair share of these deep rooted fears.

I belong to a few mom groups on Facebook and co-sleeping is just one of the things that is a bit of a hot topic ... and having had babies in as many decades as I have I have to say there are SO MANY hot topics now and the social media platforms to air them on!! it's a bit crazy, I read so many things and simply roll my eyes, no comment from this old lady is going to change any of their minds I am pretty sure!!!

What I am hoping comes across in this post is the acknowledgement that no 2 babies are the same, nor can you parent outside your personality type, and fear can be a huge emotion behind choices we make... and I think it's all ok!

The fear is real ... so acknowledge it, it does motivate some choices but that doesn't mean you are 100% ruled by it  ... and as far as I can tell THAT IS OK! I love co-sleeping and some nights I am so tired I wish he would just sleep in his own bed and I try and then my heart starts beating hard in my chest and I can't sleep anyways and so when he makes a noise I literally jump up and scoop him up in my arms and snuggle him back to sleep. My hubby and I are learning to steal moments away together and both keep the communication open and I am blessed he is understanding and gets how short this time is in the scheme of things... I have the experience to know that this is a blip in time .. one day I will be at his wedding like I was back in Oct of last year for my oldest daughters wedding .. and I could be listening to him plan his University plans like I am with my 2nd daughter .... it truly does go so fast

give yourself some grace mommas cuz soon they will be teenagers and the fun really begins!!! 


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