juggling balls (dads journey)
I love my dad's smile!
This time we are walking through right now, while still being a little surreal at moments, has left me feeling like I am constantly juggling balls ... in one hand a ball of tremendous faith .. the faith that I was raised in, that it's already been done on the cross and we can just thank Him to receive it (short synopsis for ya... very short ha ha) and in the other hand a ball of reality ... they feel different and at times one is heavier then the other ... but I am very aware that I have both juggling in my hands. There have been moments when I have felt I am a "word faith failure" and other times I feel like a mighty warrior ... times when I have slumped down and cried and other times when the peace has been overwhelming and so aware that it was a heavenly peace. Some may call that being a basket case .. others might judge it as being double minded .. trust me growing up in as much church as I have I know how easy some fellow church goers are to judge .... and some may recognize this as part of the journey walking through your loved one facing life and death the way my dad is.
There are SOOO many factors and feelings and round and round they go .. at least this is the way it is for me... and yet over and over again I feel the Lord telling me " I've got this" ... when we were desperately trying to get dad released to go home earlier this week and everything seemed to be chaotic unorganized and more then crazy, it turned out that dad has blood clots in both of his lungs (side effect of the tumours) if he had of been sent home it would have meant imminent death!! BUT he wasn't .. and they caught it .... and he is being treated with blood thinners now .... his GP said to me the fact that there was a disconnect at the hospital has been a blessing in disguise, I felt the Lord say to me, "I've got this" ...... dad has been super protective of his roommate... so considerate that he has hardly wanted visitors and even shoed us daughters away after a few minutes of visiting ... he didn't want her to be disturbed to no end ... turns out his roommate was super infectious and contagious (of what we have yet to be told) and so he and his room are quarantined until he tests clear and no one can touch anything that was hers or dad and his things now .. dad did share the bathroom with her and so there is a real risk that he was exposed to whatever it is she has ... but due to his over concern not many people were there to be exposed ... so once again I felt the Lord saying to me "I've got this". When my mom was visiting the other night and noticed his oxygen was unplugged for whoever knows how long after noticing that dad was winded .. and wanting to be angry at the hospital and then feeling like, wow, mom caught it in time and then again the still small voice "I've got this".
As we face the reality that dad will be transferred to VGH if the surgeon approves him for the surgery and I feel way out of control for being so far away and knowing that our health care system needs people to advocate for patients, the fact that I have a family here that needs me as well and a baby literally attached to me :) ... and it's an hour drive each way ... my chests tightens and I feel anxiety wanting to take over .. how will I manage it all ? .. plus I am covering a little at the restaurant as the lady who is covering my maternity is getting married ... so yah it's a lot and I want to be there with dad, making sure no one beside him is contagious, that his oxygen is plugged in, that ALL symptoms in his body are being caught and treated .... and being there for my mom .. and oh yah we are at the end of our immigration process ... and and and ... lots of juggling
I LOVE that you can physically tell I am this mans daughter!!
And so I vent to a couple of dear friends!! who I am so thankful are there for me ... and of course my wonderful hubby ... I freaked him out the other night as at 3:30 in the morning I started screaming in my sleep .. I saw a grey figure in my room and I thought it was going to attack me .. he was a little surprised to say the least!!! so it's all taking its toll but I know this is a season and season's don't last forever .. I have been through enough seasons in my life to testify to that!
Prayer list for dad:
Until we get the results of the swab they took we will not know if dad has been infected by the roommate .. so thank you for praying that he is clear and nothing will hinder dad's healing process
Tuesday feels like D day for us ... this is the appointment with the surgeon .. one we were not sure if he would even make it too! pray for us for peace and that God's perfect will IS happening with dad and that our steps are ordered of Him
Dad has also been battling acid reflux .. it's pretty bad and there has been damage to his oesophagus thank you for praying that the healing be manifested there as well.
Mom is not sleeping well ... thinking of dad of course and the business as she is at the helm without her best friend and business partner ... she's amazing and strong but some sleep would be so great!!
Thank you for praying for us girls as well.. juggling our lives and being there for mom and dad as much as we want too has its challenges at times!!!
we cannot say it enough the love the prayers the support ... it is so awesome and humbling to be on the receiving end of it all!