5 summers ago I hired a professional photographer to take pics of me and my girls
5 years goes SO incredibly fast!!
It was my first summer as a single mom
(I also was a single mom at the young age of 19 until I was married at 21)
a single mom to 4 girls this time
Over the years I recovered... mostly.... from the pain and shame that IS divorce.
There is no downplaying that!
I have done my best to BE PRESENT for my girls... to talk openly and honestly with them about relationships and life and getting them to get their feelings out
In my journey when I was not expecting it, I found love, a love that I knew not only did I deserve but they did as well...they deserved seeing their mom happy and a man loving their mom the way a husband should love his wife. I knew that a living example was much more powerful then words and I was blessed enough to find it so soon.
In my relationship I found more healing .. as I was being loved and cherished healing flowed to the wounded parts of me ... there are still moments... ok days!! ... where I feel the feelings coming back on me .. my mind will race with questions and fears
"am I being a good wife?"
"am I making him happy?"
"is he satisfied with me?"
and waves of insecurities roll over me
Again thankfully I am in a great relationship where I can simply ask him "am I a good wife" and he gets what I am really asking "am I enough for you?, are you going to stay?, you won't leave will you?" and he quickly reassures me and tells me he loves me and that I am more then enough for him. He is a great man... and why I married him!
I worry about my girls still
I worry that so much hurt has been caused
that they will repeat my mistakes
that they will wear the badge of "not enough" on them and make choices accordingly
Divorce sucks for kids!!
Last week one of my girls had a bit of a breakdown ... after a thorough teenage tantrum she broke down to one of her older sisters and shared some of her feelings
she is angry that we are divorced
angry that I am remarried sometimes
angry at my choices
angry that she can't see her dad whenever she wants
that even when there was arguing and turmoil at least her dad was in the same house
so hard for me to know that these struggles still go on 5 years later
I am so glad that she could talk to one of her sisters
that they are there for each other
and then we talked too ... and cried together... cuz no matter how you look at ...