that kid needs a spanking

Parenting these 4 girls has been the biggest challenge of my life .. and yes the most rewarding yadda yadda yadda ... if you are a mom then  you get what it's all about ... there are good times and there are times that SUCK SO BAD!! like mere words are not enough to say how much the bad times suck!

All kids are different! I am convinced you cannot raise them the "same" .. cuz they are NOT the same!! they are all so unique and require different strategies!

and then you have that 1

that 1 that requires you to stretch yourself to the limits
that 1 that you can safely say teaches you more then you feel you are teaching yourself

that 1 that makes you cry
makes you worry
makes you want to pull your hair out ... and her hair out! let's keep this real people!

I have that 1

from the beginning she has been my challenge, she has never been an "easy" child.. at every turn when I pull she has pushed 

I spend a lot of time worrying and praying about her

It didn't occur to me when she was little to get her labeled... back then that was a fairly new term and I had mixed feelings about it and I am not even sure it crossed my mind ... being totally honest here when I saw a child "badly behaving" my very first thought was " that kid needs a spanking" ... I received a LOT of spankings growing up and it's safe to say I turned out ok ... maybe thats relative hahaha ... seriously I wasn't beaten but I did receive a lot of spankings cuz for my mom I was that 1 child (I was not that 1 teenager I gave my mom a wee break in that age category but I certainly was her most challenging youngster)

Sometimes her behaviour was embarrassing to me as I would feel the judgements from others ... if I was thinking "that kid needs a spanking" surely others thought the same about my child!!

I did spank her!

it didn't work

It didn't take me long, and I am not just saying that so I avoid having social services called on me!, to figure out that spankings and her .. didn't work ... she didn't care and most of the time she didn't even understand what she did was wrong.

The signs were all there but I didn't see them

The frustration levels continued throughout her childhood and then add divorce... a messy ugly name calling family split people taking sides divorce ... and you have a girl who has always struggled being given situations that were just too much

That was the beginning of the depression for her
I still didn't see it as I was just busy surviving myself

Then life became "normal" ha ... and she was given more adjustments to deal with

and then I saw it
I saw a hurting girl who held her head and said to me through huge tears
"momma I don't want to feel like this anymore"

Meeting at the Crisis Centre was like a flood gate of understanding for me... all the signs, all the clues that had been there all along finally fit together and made sense and part of the relief of having a label was the realization that it wasn't me .. I hadn't been a failure as a mother and that is why my kid was the way she was ... it wasn't because she simply needed a spanking!
My kids brain is just different!!

Knowing that is like removing a 500 pound weight off my mind/shoulders ... for almost 15 years I had felt like I was failing her somehow cuz I didn't understand her .. I love her but a lot of times I don't like her ( her choices her attitude her behaviour.... emphasis on I LOVE her though!!! ).. and isn't that a nice kick in the head/heart/gut for someone who only ever wanted to be a mother!! like we don't have enough guilt as it is to have those kind of feelings!

I still struggle with some of those feelings ... even the label can't take all the feelings of "I am failing my daughter"... being a parent is hard .. it never ends, just ask my parents!!

I am still in the thick of it

We have several years to go and I sit up at night worrying about her, praying for her, trying to be understanding to things I really just simply don't understand... this is what it is like to parent that 1 child of mine with ADHD, depression, anxiety (the depression and anxiety in teen girls that do not get treatment for ADHD is greater then if they get help before puberty just FYI), the opposite defiance disorder and unresolved feelings about the divorce .... this is my kid .. and I love her so very much and as much as sometimes I wish a simple spanking would work lol .. I just had the image in my head trying to spank her! I am 5'4" she is over 6' tall now lol .. I wish the meds would just work but so far we are not on the right cocktail... I just wish she would listen to me hahaha or hear me and know that I worry so she will just BE ... be what? normal? hahaha what the hell is normal? 

this is my "that 1 kid" who doesn't need a spanking but a whole lot of understanding patience and love

No comments: