2 months and a whole lot of thoughts

2 months!! Brahm is soo much fun! his little personality is developing and he loves to cuddle and when I am holding him at times it feels like he is pushing himself in as if to cuddle a little more ... love it!! he smiles a lot easier these days and loves to coo although he still has to work really hard to do that! and he is all about trying to suck on his fist/fingers/thumb... he spends a lot of time trying to get it all in his mouth!!
He is NOT sleeping through the night :)
He IS a big boy .. over 17 pounds at 2 months!! yah solid!! kind of a rectangle with arms and legs!!

The heart murmur has not gone away and so the Paediatrician is sending us to a Cardiologist. Other that than he is a very healthy boy and while many have commented on him being a bit too big the Dr's are not worried about it! how do you overfeed a baby?! this is a whole blog topic in itself ... the word diet being referred to children let alone to a new baby!!

Life just keeps plugging along and while I wake up with what I think are brilliant blog topics/posts by the time I get the baby down and get dressed I pretty much either have to run to do something with the girls or I can't remember what I thought was so brilliant :) ... it happens to the best of  us!!

There are some things however that are constant and so blog worthy at some point .. I just don't know how much I can pound out right now as we have to go shortly as it so happens!!

So I thought I would at least post the thoughts that I had and then I can remember to get back to them ... one day!

1 - the big D topic ... my post on Divorce was probably my most read blog post I have ever written in the oh 9+ years that I have been blogging!! I have more to say about this but honestly I have a hard time composing it without it being a bash piece and that is NOT my objective and not the message I want to portray! I do wonder though sometimes this ..  I wonder how many people judged me and even took steps back from me and IF the fact that my ex is now getting another divorce changes any of that for them... I just wonder...

2 - living with a step-parent .... I cannot blog about what its like to BE a step parent cuz I am not a step parent therefore I don't really know what its like and since this is my blog about my life and MY journey I can only blog/talk about what it's like living with a step-parent... what I see from my point of view ... the struggles that I can watch and empathize with but cannot fully relate too I can only imagine! my respect for my husband grows and grows.... it can't be easy!! taking on step children .. watching them through an "outsiders" eyes .. being a parent but not really their parent and yet you are!!

3 - being the mom of a kid with anxiety and ADHD and the struggle that that just is .. and it's not only different from day to day but most days from moment to moment, how there are times when I just want to scream out my frustrations and hurts and worries...oh do I worry! and yet am careful about not calling her out or exposing to other peoples judgements .. and so I sit on most of my feelings around this .. except for a few close people and obviously my hubby I hold my feelings around my daughter very closely

4 - the BIG move .. and all the stress that is coming with it ... yah ... what can I say?! learning to trust God even more. I realize as well that this could be a huge determining factor in any marriage ... let alone 1 with step teen age girls involved and a brand new baby which leaves the older :) parents quite sleep deprived ... and I see how Paul and I work together, how we communicate quite effectively with each other and I know that I am blessed to be in a relationship that from so many reasons shouldn't be easy .. and yet it is!!

5 - my aging body ... yup having a baby at 40 is a wee different ... getting down on my knees and back up again can sometimes take a little longer! I am feeling it all over and YET I know that I am doing pretty good...why the conflict inside us women?! why can't we automatically love and accept our bodies .. why do we look at ourselves and wonder how others see us?! I have to resist shopping for clothes in the Junior section of the stores and self talk myself into dressing a little more age appropriate... ok and that makes me ask just what is age appropriate? does that even exist anymore?!

6 - work ... the biggest question nagging on my mind .. worrying what it will look like, how will I pull it off, will my brain come back to me! it is still quite mushy ... wondering how I can supplement my income, knowing that I will most likely only go back part time and what that even looks like...

7 - and then there is this blog ... I am going to my first blogging conference and I am so excited .. mostly cuz my sister is going to be there and she will get to meet Brahm! and I have some pre-conceived ideas what it is going to be like and I am looking forward to seeing if I am right and just learning... hopefully I can learn "mush brain" ... and I have an idea about this Lala's world ... and maybe making it more ... more something like Lala Unfiltered ..... cuz some days with all the things going on in my brain I would just like to let it loose :)

soooo you can see that  my brain has been busy :) like usual ... and one day I will get it all out :)


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