the Joy of being heard!

further to my post a little while back about one of my daughters and her anxiety ... we are FINALLY getting somewhere .. it took me going around my Family dr and that is not how it should be but I am so glad that I did!

There are so many emotions that are coming up ... guilt for it taking so long and feeling like I should have fought harder longer and sooner... feelings of relief that we are actually being heard and balls are rolling, even if slowly... feelings of a little unease as walking down this path, what are we going to find, what is it going to look like, ... so many feelings and questions that pop up.

As a mother you never want your child to struggle ... like ever! and when they do and it's something you are not yourself acute with, or have experience with there is this overwhelming sense of helplessness that takes over. Well after the frustration and questioning your own parenting abilities... as moms guilt is like second nature to us!

The Dr said to me today " what do you want to see come out of all this?" .... what do I want? I want everything for my baby girl .. I want her to feel normal, whatever that is ... I want her to be as successful as she can and to not see her hold her hands to head and cry and say to me "momma I just don't want to feel like this anymore" .. I want her to be able to function and go to school and learn and  graduate and feel stable in life and all that she sets out to do in life.

I couldn't help but feel .... mmm not even sure how to describe it ... the going over all the history, the divorce and the trauma they all went through with that ... all the adjustments all my girls have had to make .. and then yes I am pregnant... yes we are bringing ANOTHER baby into the home ... the Dr never said a negative comment about it ... but I felt like I probably could be judged by it, that there are probably people out there that think/feel what the heck are you doing?! so yah ... that's just totally my issue! lol ... I am not sure that I am alone in some of these feelings that I think many women who are "starting over" again might feel?! and really... what does starting over mean? I am starting the baby stage over yes but not starting over being a mom ... I have been a mom since I was 19 and will be until the day I die!... anyways I might be rambling here now!

We are also now having to look into private testing for learning disabilities .. which we all agree are present but we need the label and the diagnosis to help her finish school ... and get the extra help that is needed .. at this point without it I don't think she will graduate.

Between my dr appointments, I am seen by a Dr every 2 weeks and have an ultrasound once a month... and then some other Dr appointments with my other girls... and then this program my daughter is starting for her anxiety ... and I am not sure what day it is! add to that I am working and life and then of course the whopper... it's almost Christmas!! I actually feel like crafting and baking and doing a crap load of crocheting projects ... like all my Martha Stewart is coming out in me and I just don't have the energy to be all and do all and be in all the places required of me... I know I can do anything just not everything :)

I am over 27 weeks now and last night/afternoon felt a lot of Braxton Hicks... like a ton of pain and I was tempted a couple of times to call my dr ... they finally settled at midnight and I am being mindful today of what my body is doing and trying to rest... ok I laugh at that cuz today is yet another busy day!! his movements are very strong now and he likes to roll!!! and that is not fun when you are trying to drive!! I found myself yesterday saying " ok baby .... you can't do that when mommy is driving and sitting" ouch!! so the major skin stretching must be happening to feel all this tightness and my muscles feel quite sore!! my girls say to me now .. mom just you being pregnant is the best birth control!! so at least there is that!

more later .. off to do a wedding catering consult :)


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