23 week update and sucking it up

Today I am 23 weeks... it's funny how time goes by so fast and so slow at the same time :)  I just want it to be February now!

For the most part I am feeling not too bad for a geriatric pregnant lady :) .... my left side of my tailbone has a pinched nerve... that IS NOT a good feeling... bending and leaning and sometimes even sitting is very painful. My sleep is not so bad these days, now that the wedding is over I am sleeping much better! I am however experiencing heightened allergies ... I had this when I was pregnant 13 years ago with Faith ... I have always had allergies .. have had multiple allergy tests, my worse allergies being dust and moulds... but when I was pregnant with Faith I became extremely allergic to our dog who we had had for several years... we had a small house at the time and whenever I walked past the dog I would break out into a sneezing fit... well now it seems I am having an extreme allergy to my cat! probably dust as well as when I was in our garage trying to find all Morgan's baby albums for the wedding I also broke out into a sneezing running nose fit ... I just got over the cold and now dealing with itchy eyes ears and throat and a ton of sneezing and running nose and some rashes!!! ... so I am trying, and mostly failing, to keep the cat out of my room .. it's her favourite place and as she is 8 years old, kind of hard to break! I just keep telling myself only 3 1/2 months left to go :)

Baby H is even more active these days and last night when I was sitting on the couch he was kicking so hard my whole belly moved for the first time!!!  I just love feeling the little alien movements inside of me!! this Wed we get to have a 3D ultrasound and I am sooooo excited to see his little face and experience this amazing technology we have today! they SO didn't have this when I had the girls!! Paul and I have been looking on line for cribs/playpens and trying to figure out what we need for the first few months due to the fact that we should be moving in the early summer....the more we have... the more we have to move!! and it's a BIG move so we want to try to keep it as simple as we can!

I love my babies name ... in our house we all call him by his name all the time now and I just feel such love and warmth at our family being tied together with this little miracle. We have talked a little about what this baby is going to call Paul as in his family the dads are called papa.... but that is what my girls call my dad so it would be extremely confusing!! I was talking to one of my neighbours recently and she was telling me how she just loves her step dad and she calls him "pops" ... I was thinking that sounds pretty cool ... but I don't want to force the girls to call Paul anything but have to wonder if one day they would call him the name their little brother will be calling him if it's not "dad" ... cuz they have a dad.... they just spend the majority of their time with Paul so ... just thoughts to ponder!

and so as it seems to go in my life there is never a dull moment... now that the wedding, which was all consuming, is over, my attention is now shifted to helping 2 of my girls with some pressing issues ..... one I blogged about last week, well part of it ... and the other daughter isn't dealing with anything new ... just more of the same.... I had 3 different Dr appointments last week with the girls ... and it's not over yet.

I have blogged/talked before about one of my girls struggle with anxiety .... it hasn't magically gone away or disappeared .. it isn't something that she is able to just simply "suck up and carry on" ... it's come to the point where I am now having to look for a new family GP for her as ours is a little older and of the mind set that she just needs some counselling and to suck it up.

She cannot suck it up, this is real and while there is a point of her having to deal with it... the anxiety is not something you can simply will away!!!

Everyday there is a struggle of some kind with her and my biggest opposition seemed to be my family GP who both my daughter and I felt like he wasn't hearing us!! for a kid with some anxiety and other things going on ... she is screaming to be heard!! I wasn't sure what to do as our medical system is referral and GP based ... so I talked to my OB/GYN and shared my concerns and the feeling that we needed a second opinion but HOW do I get one??!!! he heard me... he always has and I have mentioned several times just what an amazing Dr he is!! and so he talked to a colleague of his at our local hospital and 2 days later I had an appointment with a Paediatrician who specializes in Mental Health.... there was a break in the clouds and the angels were singing "Hallelujah" .... so last week we went to see him ... he kind of smirked and said " I don't think I have ever had a referral from an OB/GYN before " ... yup my Dr is amazing!!! so we talked together and then we talked to him separately .... I am not going to list the things that he feels are at play but he could identify at least 4-5 issues that seem to be going on with my daughter.. on top of just being a hormonal teenager!! ... I could have cried cuz I felt heard!! it was very overwhelming at the same time and a bit of an information overload after years of just being told she needs counselling, which we have tried, and to suck it up ... that there really are things, real legit things, going on.

My daughter, who is a bit of a slower processor like her momma, came to me later that day and said " I feel better, like something is going to be done" .... I could have cried again!! As hard as all this is on me I am not having to live in her head and I can only imagine what she has been trying to "suck up" all this time!! She says over and over, I don't want to feel like this!!

So  now we are waiting for an appointment with another Dr that we are being referred too, and really I feel like I am sitting on top of the phone waiting for it to ring, and finally getting some answers and help for her. Every day the anxiety seems to be building and as it does she becomes a little further behind at school...which adds to the anxiety ... and the cycle continues and gains momentum. I feel like I have been hearing a giant clock in my head "tick tock" knowing that the more time it takes the more ground the anxiety is taking.

It all has made me struggle within myself, thoughts of being a bad mom for not being more proactive sooner, guilt for having bad thoughts against my daughter as dealing with the anxious side of her is draining and all that comes with that. Lots of feelings that perhaps are normal when dealing with a child who has anxiety and some other issues .... including judgement from others as it comes across more as behaviour then anything else .. the " just ground her"  or "take something away from her" approach DOES NOT WORK ... it's more then behaviour and it also affects the siblings as it seems like she is getting away with bad behaviour so then they try to get away with bad behaviour .... and yah it's GOOD TIMES... uh hem.

I even struggle with what I imagine some peoples judgements might be of why in the world would I  be having another baby when my plate is already so full?! I mean you tell people that you are expecting baby #5 and you get some pretty weird looks!! the judgement is there, it's not made up!! You deal with the teachers reactions when they call saying your kid has missed yet another class and then when you go in to meet them they stare at your belly in disbelief.... yup ....

 I just try to suck it all up!!


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