19 weeks ... wow ... I am now feeling a lot more movement and I love every single kick and push I am feeling! I am still tired..I sound like a broken record and I know this being tired won't be going away for the next 18+ years or so :) I have an anomaly scan on Wed ... so I am looking forward to it and a little nervous all rolled into 1! prego brain has fully set in and I find myself saying "oops" a lot lately!!
Wedding - the plans are coming along nicely ... I am really enjoying doing this with my daughter... ok well most of the time! there are a few stressful moments but mostly they are on the ball now and things are falling into place with a lot of help from my friends... really I can't say it enough ... I have the best friends EVER!!!
Deep thoughts - maybe prego brain and deep thoughts shouldn't mix but here I go any way :)
Last week I sat with a family friend in a lawyers office as she poured out the facts and events of her obviously failed marriage. I've been there done that so I am offering my support as much as I can. I couldn't help but feel many things as I listened...mostly felt in awe as I sat there with my arms protectively wrapped around my growing baby bump that it really wasn't THAT long ago when I first sat in a lawyers office, fighting tears and feeling surreal that my life was heading that direction. In the 5 years since the dismantling of my marriage I have seen way too many friends follow suit.
Watching her reaction to the info the lawyer was providing brought back a flood of memories of what I went through. All the events and happenings that led me to where I am today... in really not that long of a time period.
I feel so blessed. I am so thankful for where I am today. I love my husband and I know I have gushed about him a lot on here but it's true ... he is SO EASY to be married too!! We have such a great relationship. I love that I get to spend the rest of our lives together.
There were many years that I thought that would never happen. That real love didn't exist. That no one would want me or my "package" deal that came along with me. I felt broken for a really long time.
I remember being afraid to even think of what the future held. I felt sooooo unworthy and "not enough" for more years then I like to admit.
When I finally starting finding my feet and my way again things still were not perfect... there was a lot of undoing to be done in my relationships with my girls and really how I saw myself.
My revelation - I had life throw me a curve ball... a big curve ball when I was still quite young... my response to that curve ball was to lose my balance, my inner confidence that I had had prior, I let it go... I don't believe NOW that it can be taken from you cuz who can make you change but you yourself? It was me that allowed that lie to take hold of my heart and spirit. I first believed the lie that I was not enough. Then because of the belief of that lie I allowed others to treat me like I wasn't enough. I compromised A LOT of who I was to keep that new belief alive in me. For many many years I lived in a revolving door of believing I was not enough and yet knowing somewhere inside of me that I actually was. It's what us Christians call being "double minded".
There were times I tried to break off the lie ... and I think I did to some extent here and there ... but it was pretty deep rooted, patterns were set in place. Certainly things happened over the years to reinforce the lie that I had believed, as well as situations where I was able to see that I wasn't living a free life, an authentic who I was created to be, kind of life.
How do you break that lie? how do you break the cycles that are so set in place where you see yourself as something so therefore people treat you as such, you allow it and it deepens the belief you have and then you get treated that way and on and on it goes .... I think for everyone your "Uh HUH" moment comes in different ways, it has too cuz we are all so different :) ... I know for me it was when I shaved my head for my good friends daughter who had Leukaemia at the time ... it empowered me in so many ways and something was said to me that shook the foundation of the lie I believed .... It was said to me by someone who had been a very big part of my life for years that she was shocked I went through with shaving my head... she was sure I would back out ... I was shocked she felt that way...shocked that she didn't know that if I said I was going to do something....then I did it .... and it was like I knew she didn't really know me, not really... and I wondered at that .. how that could be ? .... and I knew it had something to do with how I had allowed myself to be treated and how I wasn't being the 100% true ME for a long time ... I don't know if this person ever knew the True me? how could she have?
When I found myself single I desperately wanted to fix myself so I sought help... I didn't want to not own any of my responsibility in any of it.... I didn't want to carry anything forward that wasn't healthy wasn't authentic and wasn't truth. Now obviously there was more to all this divorce then me not feeling enough!!! but this is where I had contributed to the breakdowns and in fact if I hadn't believed that lie in the first place.... I truly believe my life would have taken a whole different path ... but here we are :)
Since life throws curve balls ... and no one is exempt!! we all face challenges and lies and truths and have to sort them out ... it is our own responsibility how we we react to these challenges and curve balls.... we can act or react .... I wish I had acted... I am learning to do that now in my ripe middle age :) .... We can choose to believe all sorts of lies about ourselves.... it is important to know WHO you are ... good friends in your life can speak life into you ... family can ... I personally believe the Creator of the Universe is constantly speaking words of life to us, we are just not always listening!
So it comes down to choice ... what do you do with the curve balls? do you react or act? do you believe lies or truths about yourself? do you know how to discern between them? do you have people in place that you can receive truths from? divorce is ugly, it's painful and the damage it does to those involved is unknown and far reaching .... if you are going through a divorce do your homework and seek help, find out who you are and then stand in those truths!! Act don't react! it really is your choice!! and at the end of the day when the drama subsides and you find yourself and your strengths ... whole new doors open for you!! trust me :)
Whether I had remarried or not.. found the love that I really hadn't known before or not doesn't change who I am ... I found myself again ... I loved myself again.... I knew the truth of who I was again and that in itself is the best thing that has ever happened to me or my girls!!! ... the rest is all just cherries on top!!!