I think this one of the biggest lulls I have ever had in posting here .... mostly cuz I had so much to say but didn't want to say it ... not yet!
When you have had miscarriages you tend to be a little gun shy in announcing to the world .. HEY I AM PREGNANT ... AGAIN .... so this time.... which was a TOTAL surprise! honestly we had laid it all down and decided to prevent but obviously we didn't do a good enough job! and whamo here I am ... 40 ... getting ready for my daughters wedding ... and pregnant!.... again!!
This is the first time that I was able to keep my mouth shut .. like not even telling my mom who I am probably the closest to in my life, and my best friends... I didn't even tell my daughters until after my 8.5 week scan and then they were sworn to secrecy. I found it a lot easier to "ignore" it .. if thats possible.. it helped to not be asked all the time, how are you feeling, with a worried look in their eyes... it helped to just keep telling myself "what will be will be and there is nothing I can do about it" ... when you have had 8 miscarriages you really come to that conclusion..there is nothing I can do about preventing another miscarriage.. So Paul, my OB and me kept this to ourselves... my OB is wonderful... he said just carry on as normal as what will be will be .. and so I did... or at least did my very best too!
Due to my past losses and my age, gulp, the odds were stacked against me ... I had more than an 80% chance of miscarriage based on the stats. That is daunting to say the least.
While I am 14 weeks now I clearly do NOT feel out of the woods per say, I still have panic attacks and moments where my hubby has to remind me God is in control and to relax. Every twinge and cramp has me instantly in alarm.
The whole thing is a bit surreal in a very cautious way... surreal as in I can't believe I am 40 and pregnant :) and will be pregnant at my oldest daughters wedding ... you don't really think of that when you think ahead to the future and your kids weddings :) ... and surreal as in we didn't plan this and it seems to be going full steam ahead ... and cautious as I mentioned above... every twinge every cramp and I am in alarm and trying to tell myself again... what will be will be and praying that what will be is LIFE.
I am caught in between wanting to be super excited and going on a major shopping spree... cuz I have nothing!! with my youngest being 12 1/2 I got rid of my baby things a LONG time ago!! and being super reserved and almost afraid to let myself be excited. It's such a dual experience for me.
I did buy a stroller and car seat though :) ... my daughter works at a local thrift shop and she called me when a brand new never been used Saftey 1st car seat and stroller (the kind with real tires not plastic ones and 3 wheels) came in for $180.. and with her discount I got it for $135 .. I mulled it over for a week and then thought worse case I can always sell it as its such a good deal or we can save it for when SHE has a baby ... which I am SOOO not ready for :) .... when Emily saw it in the garage she said oh momma it will be so much harder if you lose this baby and have to sell that ... I just said well what will be will be. I kind of felt that buying it was a small step of Faith, a very scary but probably necessary step of Faith for me!
The Dr has started testing for genetic abnormalities ... that is also a strange feeling ... I've had phase 1 done but they won't give me the results until I get phase 2 done, which I go in next week for. I am pretty sure that all this causes a little more anxiety ... looking for problems is not really a comforting thing up front. We already decided we would not do invasive testing, and then what do you do if you find something is wrong? there are so many false positives and even my dr said no testing is perfect ... so why do it? the odds of having a Downs baby is higher at my age... but we would love it no matter what ... knowing ahead of time does that really prepare you? how do you prepare for something you have no idea about? or to what degree it will be? .... all things that go around in my head! I do pray for a healthy baby, and I know and believe that my God is bigger then any test result.
So all this being said I am taking it day by day .. sometimes minute by minute ... and continuing on as I normally do... life is never dull in my world! I am really showing already ... my body had done it's little, ok not so little, blow fish effect from the miscarriage in March ... the week of my 40th birthday I instantly and I mean instantly put on 15 pounds which I was working so hard to avoid...read my last post... and just a little after that I found out I was pregnant so there was no quick way to lose the weight... so I am trying really hard not to stress about the weight gain cuz I really don't need another thing to stress about! but I kind of am stressing about it, a little :)
The girls are so excited and as time is going on Paul is also letting himself be a little more excited ... he also is still cautious and being the black and white male he is this is no new thing :) it's just how he is. I soooo know what we are in for :) I could do a hundred babies but the toilet training and lugging around all the stuff that one needs... ugh... that I don't look forward too as much! I am so thankful that I have so many live in helpers and babysitters that are all anxious for his/her arrival .. and yes we will find out what it is closer to 20 weeks... and we think this is GREAT birth control for my teenage daughters :) hehe
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement for us during this time! A village of love support and prayer helps us so much!!