the reality of my Faith

It's amazing what 13 years does to ones memory!

I forget a lot of what it feels like to be pregnant! I forget what is a normal twinge and an UH OH this isn't a good kind of twinge. I forgot how many times ones bladder wakes one up in the night and how uncomfortable it is to roll out of bed! I forget what this stage feels like .. what am I supposed to feel like? what is my stomach supposed to feel like? .. and yah you get the picture.

I am running out of comfy things to wear and I have been hesitant to go shopping at a maternity store yet but I won't be able to avoid it for much longer.

My legs are sore at the end of the day and I feel like a part of me is holding myself tense and stiff, like I am almost holding my breath. Anxiety and Fear are really trying to get the better part of me.

At night my hubby rubs my back and speaks truths over me... I LOVE that man!

I was raised in a very Christian Word Faith home. I was taught that there is power in our words. "Life and Death are in the power of the tongue". I was taught to speak and pray Scriptures over yourself and situations. I was taught that even Faith the size of a mustard seed could move Mountains. As a child I believed every single word of it. Then life kind of hit me and my Faith was shaken but it wasn't hard for me to find my feet again as the foundation of my childhood was deep rooted in me.

As the years went by and the life experiences got a little more ... tough.... I found it a little harder and harder at times to hold on to that childlike Faith. I always came back around to it and it was never fully gone but the thread keeping me hanging on got a little thinner. Thoughts like "it doesn't matter what I pray for cuz it won't change anything" replaced "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." To say my Faith has been shaken over and over would be an understatement. When you have a miscarriage it's hard to wrap your head around it sometimes. People say so many dumb things like " oh God wanted this one back for Himself" even " I guess it wasn't meant to be" is like getting a slap in the face... meant to be?! how could a life not be meant to be?! Then have several miscarriages and you really question your Faith and so much of what you believed. 

Add to that a divorce! and you have a full grown woman who had no choice but to fall to her knees and hold on to everything I ever knew. My sanity depended on it. 

I grew up emotionally, spiritually and mentally!

Then a still small prompting led me to Paul and with that the possibility of starting over in the kid department... as well as just an amazing second chance at love and it is beyond whatever I could have imagined or dreamed. And then... heartbreak... 2 miscarriages in a row, both boys... I had never had a boy.. and both chromosome issues, so not my fault cuz when you have a miscarriage that is the first place that you go! but devastating all the same.  

Now here I am struggling to find my footing in my Faith, which some could look on as SO dumb when you see all that God has done for me!.... but I struggle. I struggle with praying so hard and fervently and then not 
receiving and being heartbroken. So as I lay there last night crying my fears out to Paul and he rubbed my back and gently spoke Truth to me, I listened. I tried to absorb all that he was saying and telling my body to relax.... let it go... just BE.

Today as I prayed, I prayed what I always pray when I don't know how I should be praying, "Your kingdom come Your will be done in me as it is in Heaven" ... and I told Fear to go! Living with all this anxiety is not healthy for me or for the baby ... so I am making a choice to stand against it. I am praying that my Faith even if the size of the mustard seed ... will move the mountains!




1 comment:

June Gates said...

Lise - you are an inspiration!! I so admire that you are so open about your lack of faith during difficult times....I know we all experience that through out our lives as in "where are you God? And then I am drawn back to the words of the song "you were there all the time, waiting patiently in line". How true and He just want us to totally lean on him knowing we are His children and He see the big picture of our lives. I am praying for a healthy baby for you & Paul...I was so taken by your love story as you told it to Joy, Gerry & me at the Roadhouse that day and having this baby will be so special for you & Paul. God bless you through this journey(a little scary for you due to life's past events, but I am praying for a miracle baby for you! God bless you as a family as you anticipate this new little person joining your family:-)!!