the weight of it all

A lady stands in front of the mirror examining the dark circles under her eyes
she notes the extra lines and the droop in the skin
her clothes are not fitting so well these days
she stares until the eyes fix in a glaze
she hates her body and what she sees
emotions bubble up and tears seize
she throws herself on her bed in a giant watery heap
nothing fits
nothing feels right
she just wants to go back to sleep
she lies there weeping and does the math
counting back the months to the baby that didn't last
just one more reason to cry
why did my baby have to die
now she is left with just a wish
and a body that has become..... a blowfish

I have mentioned before one of the side effects of miscarriage ... at least for me, is weight gain .. about 3-4 months after a miscarriage my body does this neat little blow fish affect .. ok there is nothing NEAT about it but it does BLOW UP ... I miscarried in March and so in May I started exercising away...walking...doing weights, sit ups, crunches, push ups ... I was watching what I was eating, no sugar no carbs .. cept for wine :) ... my goal was to lose 10 pounds by my birthday and then to lose another 10 by the end of summer and another 10 by Morgan's Wedding in October.

I felt it was a doable plan.... and then the week of my birthday WHAMO BLOWFISH

I really thought that by being aggressive with my work outs prior to the 3-4 month marker I would somehow escape the massive quick weight gain ... but it wasn't to be. So now I am wearing my "fat clothes" and in this heat the extra weight ... doesn't HELP!!! it makes me sad and I feel overwhelmed that once again I have to fight off hormone weight that I firmly believe is a lot harder to lose then regular weight gain.

It sucks.

I have never felt that I was a person that ever got depressed or at least hardly ever, I like seeing myself as someone who can keep laughing and going forward... but I think my sadness or depression, is just unique to me, as maybe it is to everyone and it's something that I don't easily recognize or acknowledge. I am seeing that it quietly lies behind my reactions to some things ... maybe even my own birthday... so I am trying to acknowledge it even if it is to just get over it faster!

My goal is to be the best me possible and to live my life fearlessly so acknowledging that I do get sad even depressed sad sometimes... it's ok, it's human and it's definitely a side effect of miscarriage!!


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