So it happened... just like I knew it would as so far no man has invented a machine to STOP time!!
I knew I was struggling with it ... anyone who was paying attention knew I was struggling with it and as much as I am intelligent enough to know that yes it's just a number and yes I am thankful to reach this age and don't want to die and yes it's still young in the grand scheme of things ... I was still struggling.
Being the youngest in my family I always looked up to my sisters ... I viewed time as if we were all standing on different levels of a ladder and they were always higher then me .. they always will be ... but now I am standing on a level that I remember them being on and me gasping NO THEY CAN'T BE THAT OLD NOW ... and yup here I am now.
I don't FEEL 40 ... I don't know what 40 is supposed to feel like though! do you?! :) I don't know if I look 40? and if I do ... I don't want to know that! :) I know 40 is the new 30, I didn't particularly like being 30 either :) ... no one wants to really age, I get it, do I want to be 20 again? HELL NO .. I just want my 20 year old body back!! seriously what is happening to my skin??? this isn't funny anymore!!!! I am all about buying better creams and lotions these days!
To help me ease my mind and my heart which seemed to be on a major anxiety trip I really didn't want to be on, I reluctantly decided to have a party .... I even threw out a tester Facebook status asking if I did have a party would anyone want to come?! .... I felt insecure about throwing myself a party and while my parents like to remind me and everyone else who will listen to them on how I loved to plan my Birthday parties .. the truth is I haven't had a PARTY PARTY for my birthday since my 30th ... and that was a great party by the way! I just have had small gatherings with my family and my closest girlfriends.
So I organized and planed out a party for my 40th with my BF... an 80's lip sync battle as seen on Jimmy Fallon .. well as close as I could manage, I really had no idea how it all would play out. I distracted myself by downloading 80's music for hours....listened to it all the time, which I love that genre any ways! put the event on Facebook and the details and even made it an open event which kind of scared the crap out of me as there still was this voice inside my head telling me, no one will really want to go.
The last couple of weeks leading up to my Birthday and party have been hectic to say the least. SOOOO much drama happened at work and at home. It seemed every time I turned around there was confrontation and things that needed my attention .. things that are hard and draining but I had no choice but to deal. Needless to say on top of this, my building anxiety about the pending big 40, some big catering events, softball tournaments with my 15 year old (they are going to Provincials FYI and I couldn't be more proud and excited ) and the fact that on top of my 6-7 day a week work schedule I now have to take some serving shifts to help my family out financially ... to say I am tired is an understatement but I do what I have to do and I don't complain much ... ok I TOTALLY complain but mostly to my girls and Paul and closest girlfriends who have no choice but to listen to me whine!
Then the party day came ... I had had literally NO sleep the night before as I never sleep after I cater and the fact that a man had a heart attack at the Grad Banquet I catered and it was actually the day of my birthday... I was pretty wound up!
I was excited to see everyone in their 80's costumes ... to lip sync and party like it was 1985..although I was only 11 years old in 1985 and pretty sure there was NO partying in my lifestyle that year! :) ... and then the clock starting ticking and the room was like a ghost town with the exception of my girls, well cept for 1 that came much later after adjusting some attitude!!, my sister brother in law, niece and her family and one of my BFF's and her hubby .... and then the rest of my usual gang showed up .. all decked out SO MUCH FUN ... and then the clock just kept ticking and hardly anyone else showed up.
I felt foolish and humiliated and just hurt. I had received a couple of cancellations that day and the day before ... but there still were a lot of people left on the RSVP list that had not shown up.
I cried a little and then sucked it up, or did my best too! and had a ton of fun with my friends and family ... honestly I could dance all night! it might not be pretty and I might be a puddle of sweat! but I love to dance be silly and have fun with my people... and we totally did that!!! sooooo thankful for my friends and family!!!
I am NOT writing this to make anyone feel guilty .... so many that couldn't make it for very REAL reasons have apologized and I totally get why they couldn't come ... so please this is not a guilt trip ... I just still cannot sleep, cannot shut off the conversations in my head and so felt the need to do a big run off of the mouth blog post to try to put it to bed.
People not giving an RSVP is a big pet peeve for me .. this last birthday for Faith only 3 parents called and I literally had NO idea how many kids were coming and so had to buy a lot of extra things just in case ... right now my budget doesn't really have extra just in case funds ... I had no idea how much pizza or goody bags to buy... it was very frustrating. Then in this case giving an RSVP and then not cancelling and in this case as well at a restaurant, meant another financial drain on me ... besides the feelings of rejection and basic unimportance that I was already fighting. I had a few we will try to stop by for a drink... this is NOT what I am referring too!! that is not a solid RSVP!!!
Giving an RSVP and then cancelling an RSVP is kind of a big deal!
BUT I forgive those that didn't and again I totally get some situations were pretty serious!!
So what have I learned from all this?
I am seeing that some friendships that I have held are most likely more important to me then to the other party. I too am a busy person and I have really learned to take it to heart to not make people feel less important .. there are priorities I totally get that... there are emergencies and health matters and who can control a death of a loved one or furry family member???!! no one can, I am not talking about these real life events that we have no control over. What I am talking about is just what I expect from certain friendships... I think there are seasons in our lives when we do more of the giving and then times when we do more of the taking .... I am in a season in my life where I feel it's time to cut some chords of me doing the giving... at least when it's only one sided, in my perception. Again please if you feel I am writing this directly to you ... ask me! I will be open about it!!
One of the biggest feelings I had was that I would never not show up and I have done so much for so and so ... and I didn't like the ways these feelings made me feel ... so I realized, this is MY stuff!!! ... why do I try and extend myself for some people who don't really seem to feel the same way about me? am I afraid of their rejection? I am not sure and that is why I feel like taking a step back from some situations just to really be able to examine it all.
I have learned to never plan an event only on Facebook ..... next time I will phone people and in hindsight there was confusion as to who was and wasn't invited when I thought I had clearly communicated it was an open invite, not all people got the "memo" ... so not good on my part... not that I am anxious to throw another party anytime soon :) haha but what I have seen is Facebook, is or can be, such a false sense of reality. I assume people are on it just as much as I am. I assume that because people like my status or pictures that they are really and truly engaged with me in my real life LIFE. I love Facebook for so many reasons and especially it keeps me connected to family who lives far away, it makes geographical space feel not so large! I love that about Facebook ... I love that I can share and make people laugh and totally snoop on peoples personal lives hahaha .... it is a great social media tool ... but for now I feel like where I am in my life... this level of age 40 on my ladder of time.... I want more face to face relationships. I want to be more available when people ask, hey lets get together ... and trust me with Paul's season soon here and my many jobs right now and the teenagers ... it's busy ... but I crave real relationships and there has to be a better balance of "Facebook keeping in touch" and real life.
I aim to find that balance