What I know about Grief, yes I may just be an expert now

One thing that I know for sure .... I sure have felt the love from my community! and even beyond. When they say it takes a village to raise a child they are right, I also think it takes a village for a person to remain SANE!! I am so thankful for my community and the love and support we have felt from everyone! it definitely helps!

It's amazing how many women have suffered through miscarriages. It's overwhelming even! I was on quite a few pregnancy boards and it was amazing to me how many women were "out" day after day ... (the one board I was on was for mommas due in Oct 2014 and there were over 2,000 members world wide) ... it was an interesting board to be on and that my friends is an understatement!! Talk about cyber bullying! it was amazing to see how fast some women were to attack and I purposely use the word "attack" others from the safety of their own living rooms using made up user names and no one could ever track them down!! like many times I was GOBSMACKED! any way that may be another post for another day! It was something like I was saying to witness the amount of miscarriages that happen. Pregnancy tests are testing positive earlier and earlier and I think that may be a factor so why so many more women seem to be miscarrying .. could it be that the national average is not that much higher it's just that women didn't know they were pregnant, or it wasn't "official"??!! just interesting to me. The other reason could be women are starting later in life to start a family and the stats show that that women of advanced age, over 35 years old, have a higher chance of having a miscarriage.

Miscarriage = failure. At least that is the way I have always felt. You want that baby, You LOVE that baby, You plan for that baby, You follow the rules that you know give your baby the best chance...... and then it's gone. It's hard to explain what that feels like .... like being full of life one minute and then completely empty the next and it's your fault! it's your fault your body doesn't work proper, it's your fault and you go over ALL the reasons why it could have been your fault. It's torture in the mind. You feel like something is innately wrong with you and somehow you are less of a woman. (if you are reading this and had a miscarriage and didn't feel like this thats OK! I just know for me and the few woman I know who have had this loss have felt, doesn't mean it is HOW YOU SHOULD feel!! in fact no one can tell you how you should feel during this!!) I have stated "I hate my body" many times, why does my body not sustain life? why does my body not naturally miscarry and I have to find out when I feel totally 100% fine? why does it happen?

Why is a legit question! the problem is ... you may never have your answer. Do I feel it wasn't God's Will? I don't believe God is the taker of life but the giver of life. Do I feel I needed to learn a lesson? I think after 8 miscarriages one would give up trying to teach me a particular lesson cuz I obviously am not getting it!!! I also don't believe God takes life to TEACH a lesson EVER and back to Him being the  Creator of life. God is not psychofrenic! If I believed He opens and closes the womb and gives you a baby and then takes it away... I would have to believe that He doesn't know His own mind! It just doesn't line up with Scripture. So what DO I believe? I believe that we live in a fallen world full of death and decay, sin has entered in and we have free will have the affects of sin in our lives. Why do innocents die of cancer? Why do people die in car crashes? No one said life was fair! No one said life would be easy, it's not. But we do have hope that we will see our loved ones again! I honestly believe the harder you hold to the WHY of it all, the longer it will take you to heal.

Sometimes when you are grieving loss dealing with well-meaning people who say things, things that are meant to make you feel better but in no way do, are hard to deal with. It's easy to shut yourself off while you are grieving to avoid the comments. I remember one time standing in church when a lady who I know was meaning well said to me " God must have loved this baby so much He wanted it back for Himself" ... I remember chanting in my head .... water off a ducks back water off a ducks back ... letting the words wash over me instead of letting them in to my heart. I don't say this to make anyone feel bad but what I have learned over my years of dealing with personal loss, and not just miscarriages but the death of my first marriage and death of dreams etc, when I say something to someone grieving I simply say " oh man that sucks so bad, I am sorry for your loss, I will be keeping you in prayer" ... that's it .. no hey I think this is why this might of happened or  at least you still have so and so or gee I guess it wasn't God's Will .... just letting people know you care, that it's unfair cuz that legitimizes their pain/grieve, and that you will be thinking/praying for them ... that helps! Nothing more is needed to be said.

You WILL SURVIVE. The human drive to exist is a powerful force! :) There were a couple of times over the years, when I did have to fight awful feelings of overwhelming totally paralyzing grief when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, where I couldn't imagine a good future for myself, where I could hardly FEEL anything but a desire to leave my body!! being totally vulnerable here cuz honestly thats the only way I know how to be! Those are brutal dark times and it's OK to be there! it's OK to feel that! it's not so healthy to stay in that place however and I would suggest that if you are in that place you tell a safe person who can help you walk through it! Standing where I am today I know that although my heart is mending I can lift my head up and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that this loss will not cripple me nor wipe me out. I have survived before and I will survive again, in fact I am surviving and I think I am even doing better than that. This is why I stated in my last post about hope! everyone needs hope....cling to it when you have nothing left to cling too... it will help get you through.

Miscarriages affect the men as well ... so often I think the men don't get as much support. They are hurting too and put on the bravest of faces and yes they are different and they feel everything differently but they are not made of steal! It's important to recognize their pain and loss as well.

When I was thinking of this post and what I was going to say I had the thought "why would you write that? you are not an expert on grief!" ... and then I quickly realized ... yes I am! Not because I have had SO many losses but I have had loss. period. and I being the blabber mouth that I am, find healing in talking about it. I find writing about my life therapeutic and I always have a hope that somehow some of the things that I have to say will help someone else. For me, when something I have gone through can help someone else, it's like a chip in the paint that was there before is no longer there, that my life can help someone else.... gives my loss some meaning that it didn't have before. It's a silver lining that gives light to an otherwise dark situation.

I hope that didn't come off as preachy and too rambly! my hope is that someone who may need to hear it, finds they are not alone and can find their hope!


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