There were so many times over the last couple of months that I wanted to blog and document what I was feeling about being pregnant. I held back as the fear of miscarriage is something I live with on a constant basis. I had 6 miscarriages in my 20's... 5 in a row even.... and last summer I miscarried Paul and my first baby and so miscarriages is something very very real to me.
Sad to say it happened again.
They don't know why I have so many miscarriages. The reason they thought I miscarried in my 20's is not an issue ... they said I had Lupus Anticoagulant but I have been tested for it again in my 30's, and the test came back negative, and then again this summer I was tested for it and again it was negative. There is NO known reason why I miscarry. The baby boy I lost this summer was actually a Trisomy 22 case so there is no way I could have prevented that at all ... that was natures way of taking care of things. This time the tissue is being tested again to see if it was another random chromosome issue.
Doesn't really lessen the pain.
Our decision at our age to try for a baby is very personal to us. It's amazing how many people have comments like " are you crazy?" "why would you want to start all over?" .... people are entitled to their opinions :) and it's not like we didn't ask ourselves those questions. Really for us it isn't "starting all over" ... we don't have children together and Paul doesn't have children of his own... so this wouldn't be starting over but just plain starting .. I kind of see it more like a continuation of our story. I get what having a baby means! I get that it's a life long sentence! babies grow up have lots of needs and become teenagers and TRUST me I get what having teenagers is all about I am living in it :) We knew that if we didn't TRY to have a child together that there could be a point in time when Paul and I could very much regret it ... the clock is definitely NOT on our side and so it's not like we have 10 years to figure this out!
Rewind to 4 short years ago.
I had NO idea that I would ever get married again. I had NO intentions of having another child EVER. I also had NO idea that marriage could be this way, it's not a life walking on egg shells, my husband really likes me!! what a concept!! I really had no idea that I would find a partner who is a true partner in every sense of the word. That I would find a man who loves my girls and would dive right in to the hardest times of their lives ...puberty!! Then I met him, fell in love with him and I saw in my mind a little blond boy..... that changed my heart on trying to have a baby .... I saw that little boy and had a total change of heart. I have held on to that picture in my mind over this past year as we have tried and then lost. Felt it was a promise to me from God.... and now I am not so sure, this is all so fresh, like literally yesterday I had the D&C, so it's hard for me to imagine going through this again. Hard for me to picture the image I have in my heart coming to life.
So now what.
Now I just give myself time to heal. Miscarriages are very hard on the body and I imagine the quick rapid weight gain will happen and I will have to fight to get it off, again, it takes a while to stop staring at every pregnant woman you see and hearing every baby that cries. The grief hits likes waves and as the saying goes ... it takes time to heal.
The state of limbo is over.
The past couple of months being on as much bed rest as possible, trying to maintain a low stress environment and not being able to really make many decisions regarding employment are no longer issues. The fact that I need to figure out my work situation is right in front of me!!! we have made the decision to move our family to the States, and have started that process so now I just need full time employment!! Good times!! I am spending some real time asking myself what it is that I want, what suites the needs of my family and what I need to do to attain it!
Something was sparked in me.
During the last week as I knew the baby was in trouble, I spent a LOT of time on my knees. I was believing for a miracle in the biggest way. Something inside of me sparked back to life. I saw a lot of things that I need to deal with inside of me... my need to constantly plan like in a OCD way. My need to feel in control, always. I really saw that I need to keep laying somethings down. I also saw some things with my attitude and feelings over my girls, I saw some huge fear doors that I have allowed to stay open and I am working on closing!...not alone of course! I have spent a lot of time at home, and I started watching HGTV's House Hunter and House Hunter International and the one show was about a couple and their college age daughter who were selling everything and moving to Nicaragua to live full time .... my spirit was leaping ... ever since I was a little girl I have known that I was called to be a missionary. I have been to Kenya and Ireland on missions trips and I LOVE it ... and I know right now is not the time but I can see it in our future ... the dream has been dormant the last several years as I fought my way back to myself in amongst the divorce and all that fun stuff .... and I realized watching that that the dream may have been dormant but it's certainly NOT dead!!!
Hope is something we can't live without.
During the last little while I was reminded that we all need hope in our lives. Without it... what do we have? I didn't get my miracle and while that hurts and stings at the moment I know that I will survive, the past tells me so, I know that my future is good, my God tells me so, and I know that without hope it makes the heart sick. So while I don't know if a baby with Paul is going to be part of our future, or when we will embark on the mission field together, or what my job right now will be, or when we will be moving to the States.... I know that ALL things work together for good and that God supplies all our needs according to His riches and Glory. I know where my help comes from and I know that I am surrounded by so many people that love us and support us. I have much to be thankful for!!