the struggle

Currently there is something I am dealing with... something that I am not really wanting to make public quite yet :) so bare with me as I share but don't share! What I do want to share is the process, the long term effect that loss has on a person, at least what the effect has been on me and I am sure I am not alone! or at least thats my hope :)
There are things, events, that happen in life that I can only compare to as trying to hold sand in open fingers .... it's impossible to control. I like control! I love to be in the drivers seat even when I am in the passenger seat. I am a planner... I love to know the details, I love to plan the details and I love to feel that I know what, when and how things are going to happen.
Not knowing sucks.
When you have experienced the floor falling from out beneath you I really feel it changes how you see things, even when you have been removed from the trauma for a while ... the effect lingers. Trust becomes an issue... and you have about a thousand reasons WHY you can't fully trust.. in your mind those reasons are sound and true and totally based on experience. Sometimes I think I just have to learn things the hard way, I remember when I was no older than 4 years old and my mom said to me "don't touch the stove it's hot" and I turned and looked at the stove and immediately laid my hand on it .. an open hand to boot .... and was instantly burned and had a HUGE burn blister over my entire palm of my hand ... WHY in the world would I immediately touch the stove right after my mom, who I could trust who would not want me to be hurt, had just said DON'T TOUCH it's hot... I had to see for myself, as if I didn't quite believe her. That memory has stayed with me and like I said it has made me wonder if I wasn't born with trust issues :) maybe it was just being a dumb kid :) or both!
I get lost in my head at times with all my planning, my wondering what will the future be, what will so and so do and what will so and so say, I spend a lot of time up there trying to figure out different scenarios so that if something happens unexpected, I will have a follow up plan. My family tells me I over analyze things, my counsellor told me the same thing. I get lost for hours thinking and rethinking and replaying things that have happened and things that may or may not happen.
So what's the solution? cuz my controlling over analyzing brain NEEDS a solution :)
Daily and sometimes moment by moment I have to tell myself to let it go. I have to breath a deep breath and tell myself just let it be. What will be will be. I do what I can in the meantime but I have to constantly relinquish the right to control that which I cannot control. I have to repeat to myself that God loves me and His plan for my life is better than any plan I could come up with on my own... ok so even as I type this I had the thought pop into my head "really? it is? cuz I am not sure it will work out"... just keeping it real. A friend recently told me the 15 inches from my brain to my heart is really like 15 feet right now .. I know all the right things, I know the truth and yet my heart struggles to let it be, to trust, to relinquish what my head knows is a false sense of control. "It's a battle field brother not a recreation field, a war and not a game".... thats a quote from a song I knew as a child.
In the midst of my wacky self I am functioning... the world has not come to a complete stop and if you stop me and ask me "how are you" I will smile big and say "oh just fine thank you"... cuz who wants to know the crazy that rages inside my head?! well I mean if you give me more time you know I will give you a little insight cuz I have a bit of a blab problem :) but all in all, I am functioning, the laundry is getting done at the same pace it always gets done and my house is about as clean as it usually is, I am cooking dinner the way I always cook dinner.... life is still moving forward one day at a time. Nothing that way is different, but due to past trauma, the floor falling out from under me, I know I am hyper vigilant. I am trying to not think about things obsessively. I am trying to convince myself that everything will work out the way it's supposed to and I am trying to trust in a situation that I desperately want to control and make the outcome be what I want it to be.
That is the struggle that is in me. Anyone relate?

........and before anyone jumps to the conclusion that my struggle has to do with my marriage you can stop cuz you would be totally wrong!!! my being married to my amazing hubby is a reason why I function so well day to day!!

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