hurdles

Since after Christmas it has felt like we have been dealing with one hurdle after another .. I get this is life! no one said it was easy!! then throw in a handful of teenagers, work, being a divorced and newly married mom/woman... you know, regular life stuff and you are bound to have some hurdles to clear!
Having a supportive husband totally helps clearing these hurdles :) We have such good communication with each other that really I cannot imagine doing all this alone!
I knew this year was going to be a BIG year ... there are a few milestones/hurdles coming up this year... 1) I am turning 40 2) I am in transition career wise 3) my oldest daughter is getting married
1 - turning 40 .... I had a really hard time turning 25, now that seems a little silly but at the time I was having some anxiety about it. As the youngest of 4 girls I was always on the bottom looking up at my sisters and I thought they were SO OLD :) and now here I was the same age that I thought was SOOOOO old!! turning 30 was a little bit harder, I went and pierced my nose (that didn't last too long I hated it) had my hair died for a hair fashion show so I was sporting little mermaid orange with some purple highlights!! yup it was awesome, little girls would look at me in awe and say I LOVE YOUR HAIR! 35 was not so bad, just a mild panic attack or 2, and then when I was 36 and my life was unraveling and falling together at the same time I found a confidence in myself that was so refreshing. Now 40 is 129 days away!!
I remember when my mom turned 40... I was 8 years old! that was the year she became a grandma for the first time and I became an auntie.... so you can imagine 40 seemed OLD OLD OLD :)
So now it's my turn to turn 40 ... and I have mild panic attacks ;) I SOOO wouldn't want to be 20 again, although my 20 year old body would be nice!!! ... I wouldn't even want to be in the same place I was when I was 30! I love my life now, drama and all... I have a happy life full of amazing great people and I get in my head that it's just a number and I am SO thankful to be reaching this number as my work at the funeral home for almost 3 years taught me, there are no guarantees!! I know all this and yet I see the # 40 like a count down in my head.... 129 days of still being in my 30's.... wow!
2 - transition, sometimes I embrace change and sometimes it throws me for a loop ... I definitely knew this was coming, since last June I have known this was coming, and began preparing myself... then when it happened it took me back a bit, I don't know if I was anticipating it NOT happening but here we are and now I am having to trust that my steps are being ordered and guided! Trust and me we don't have the greatest relationship! I have come a LONG ways!!! and I am thankful for that but I am not where I would like to be and so I am working on it. Some days I have to just take it minute by minute and I am surprised, although I think maybe I shouldn't be, that it is getting easier. I cannot control some situations and those ones I have to choose to lay down, daily. I think a few years ago all this would have left me in a giant puddle on the floor... so thankful for the growth that I have had that I am not going fetal but walking through, holding my head up high and just believing that it will all work out in the end!
I actually am appreciating the time off that I have been having as my 13 year old is adjusting to on-line school I am able to be here for her and keep her going as it's a big transition to make. I totally see the value of certain doors being closed!! we have been praying for clarity and for God to open and close doors.... and trust me SO many doors have been closed lately that I know it's just a matter of time before the right doors are open!!
3 - my oldest daughter is getting married in Oct of this year.... yah brings me back to being 40 and my age anxiety thing.. HOW IN THE WORLD IS MY BABY GIRL GETTING MARRIED?! gah... this one still takes me back and I worry cuz I am a mom and I am really good at worrying! I should put that on my resume's! :) I worry cuz they are so young and I worry that my past could be her future and that is my worry and my issue and I am walking through trust with this issue as well. I really like her fiancé... no issues with her choice at all... just that they are young, so very very young.... but I support them.. ok I mean really what else is there to do?! I love them and so I support them and since it's been a really long engagement it has always seemed so far away... and now its THE year and the dress has been bought and so plans need to continue to be made and so his mom and I are throwing a little engagement party... I think that will help to make it all feel a little more real.
I have some anxiety about the other parent involvement and as this is going to be the first BIG event since the divorce it's all unknown territory... that kind of adds an element of stress to it that no one really needs.

Kind of a big year with a few other hurdles that I am not free to yap about.... yet :) and there you have a snippet into my brain! I do see growth, I do see positive change and I am able to see all the hurdles I have cleared in my life, this is all possible, I will get through and maybe this will be the absolute best year yet of my young life :)

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