How I come home

I have been wanting to sit and blab away here for over a week and I have had so many distractions and then when I have sat down my mind went blank... I know I was shocked too! :) I have been wanting to blog about my weight loss and about my girls and about what I want (see last post) and then yesterday I attended a funeral and attending funerals for someone who we feel has left the world too soon.. 55 is SOOOO young!! ... it shifts your perspective .. at least it did mine and so many of the things I felt I needed to say I am not so sure are so important any more.
Today is the last day of my "rapid" weight loss program that I have been on ... in the end I can honestly say it was a bit of a dud for me in many ways... I am feeling discouraged and I get this is a first world problem, while most of the world is trying to not starve to death I am "starving" myself so I can loose weight (ok not starving but definitely eating very tiny portions) .... I get the irony and yet here I am living where I do, working with food for a living and I didn't have the rapid weight loss that I wanted or was told was possible... I didn't even have "typical" results! The Dr actually said to me this morning .... "you are unique (ok duh we all already know that), you are obviously very very very sensitive to hormones" ... ummmm yah ... it wasn't all for nothing but a very difficult way to only lose 10 pounds on the program! with the 5 I lost in Mexico that is a total of 15 pounds in 1 month .. NOW I know that is nothing to sneeze at but it wasn't "rapid weight loss"!!!! I actually did lose more but for whatever reason over the last 2 days I put 3 pounds back on! soooo frustrating ... so I decided I am done with the very limited diet cuz at this point if I never eat another grilled chicken breast and cucumber slices it will be too soon. She agreed and so I am going on the maintenance part with eating NO carbs and NO sugar for the next 3 weeks (totally eating Christmas Dinner though!) and I bought myself a Zumba game for my Xbox 360 and my Em and me are going to try to work out 3-4 times a week .. in the privacy of our living room which is way more my speed! On the positive side I do feel the weight loss I have had.. I can fit back into my size 10 jeans although they are a little tight but my other jeans are very loose now! so it wasn't a complete bust,  I was just so hoping to break the 170 pound range and get down another 10 pounds! but I will keep working on it because of 1 main fact .... I WANT TO BE HEALTHY! and I want to live a long life and be here for my kids! which leads me back to the funeral I attended yesterday ....
I listen to a lot of funerals! my family's business has a catering contract with a local funeral home and so I have had the honour of serving a lot of grieving families. I like to listen to the services as I prep downstairs for the reception .... it's interesting to me to hear about different peoples lives and how they are remembered! Yesterday the funeral was without exception the most beautiful service I have ever heard/been present at. This man was loved.... he loved huge and he was loved huge back! the principle of what you give you get was firmly evident in his life. I had the privilege of knowing him a little as I went to the same church as they did 13 years ago... their youngest son and my 3rd daughter are the same age and so we sat in the nursery together. I didn't know him well (I am friends with his wife) but I knew him enough to understand all the amazing things that were said about him at the service.
It probably was the clearest message of WHY I believe in my God that I have ever heard. Our God is the ONLY God in all the gods that are out there for seekers to find that actually ENTERED IN to our humanness ... He wanted to feel what we feel, to walk where we walked ... why? cuz He is love... He loves us, He knows no other way! I don't think I can repeat the elegant way the Pastor described the story of Jesus at Lazarus' funeral and how Keith, the man we were celebrating, lived a life to the fullest and full of example of loving on others ... it was so beautiful.
The uh huh moment that I had at the funeral was when the letters from his loved ones were being read and the one from his youngest son read this " I knew my dad loved me by the way he came home" ... I gasped.. it hit me so hard ... this young man of 13 years old said something so profound and moving ... his dad came home every day SOOO excited to see his family ... he loved his wife and his sons ... there was NO question of his love. I couldn't but immediately think of my girls and my relationship with them and I know that they know I love them but do I show it in what may be considered simple ways? I wondered "how do I come home?" ... mostly tired from my day wanting to unwind in a desperate way and almost always nagging at the lack of what I feel is respect for the way the house is kept ... I am living in the thick of teenage girl grossness ... and in fact my hubby and I have had lots of discussions over the lack of cleaning up after themselves that they do ... however I was challenged by MY attitude in it all.. does the mess really rule my emotions and my reactions? does my first thing I need to say when I walk in the door be "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO WHAT I ASKED?" not said very nicely!! does it need to be grunts and moans and utterings under my breath about what slobs they are? Not that they don't need to clean up after themselves but should that be the first thing? I don't think so or I wouldn't have been so strongly convicted of it yesterday! I am not saying I will not have them clean up or talk to them about that ... but I feel so strongly that HOW I come home is so much more important then the nagging about their teenageness.
This man died at 55 years young.. I cater funerals a LOT... I get how short life is and how some are cut even shorter... at the end of the day at my funeral will my kids say " I knew my mom loved me because ....." ? will people remark on what a tidy house I kept ( ok that will NEVER happen but I am trying to make a point!) will they say man she lost a lot of weight or man she was overweight? ...... I hope people will say I lived my life to the fullest, that I loved hard and was loved in return. At the end of the day that's what it's all about ... it's what God is about and I am going to make it more present in the forefront of my conscience to live out.

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