journey to get healthy

skinny me This picture was taken of me in the summer of 2011 ... oh how I want to be that weight/size again
lise in rain in mexico This was taken a couple of weeks ago ... at one of my all time highest weights ever!
Notice the same happy smile in each picture? that's cause I am happy! I have Joy in my life constantly and I know that I am so incredibly blessed! How my life is today compared with not so many years ago is night and day! I feel like my story is one of hope and proof of the amazing power of a healthy positive thought life, community living, and the healing that comes from knowing who the Source is of ultimate LOVE FORGIVENESS and TRUTH! That's God btw :)
That being said my journey in the weight ~  body image category has been a life long struggle. I am the youngest of 4 girls .. all 3 of my older sisters are pretty thin verging on teeny tiny... that is hard! even when I have been at my thinnest weight I feel like a huffalump standing beside them! It took me a LONG time to resign myself and even like the fact that God gave me curves ... I hated it for a long time. It was probably 4 years ago when I faced my biggest life challenge so far and had to rediscover WHO I was and What made me, me, that I came to peace with my body type! I am a full figured curvy woman and I am great with that!
What I am not so great with is knowing the scales are going to dip close to 200 pounds ... yup this is me being very vulnerable here but being me and having open book syndrome I have decided to lay it all out there. I weigh a lot. I always have. It is the major reason I do not own a scale in my home and realized a long time ago I simply cannot go by "weight" as a scale of how healthy I am.  I have big dense bones and even at my skinniest which was when I was 17 and fresh home from Kenya having had Malaria 2x and carrying ecoli ( I lost 30 pounds there in 6 months) .. I left in Aug 1991 weighing 148 pounds and came home the end of Feb 1992 weighing 118 pounds ... I left a size 8 and came home a size 5 .. my head looked too big for my body! I was sick and not healthy at all!! When I got pregnant with my oldest at the old age of 19 I weighed 125 ... When I got married in Sept 1995 I weighed 135 (still under what I weighed in high school) ... When I got divorced in Jan 2011 I weighed 185 pounds, size 13!! by the summer of 2011 I was down to 165 pounds, size 8-10 and I was happy at that.. Last summer of 2012 I began to have some woman issues and the weight was slowly creeping back on, when I got married to the love of my life Dec 2012 I weighed 170 pounds, size 12.
For my body a big change in the scale doesn't necessarily reflect a big change in clothing sizes. I gain everywhere...even my toes! I don't have 1 problem spot, if I gain it distributes fairly evenly hence it's not always easy to tell when I have gained a lot.
For me a scale is useless... it's not really a good thing as I don't want to get obsessive over it. I love food. I love life. I love wine. I do not love being a slave to the scale. I DO however not want to buy a bigger clothing size then 13 and ideally a 12 would be the biggest I ever should be. An 8 is great but more work then I know I keep up with :) keeping it real here folks... a size 10 would be absolutely perfect for me.
This fall I gained about 15 pounds. I know it is miscarriage hormonal weight gain... this same thing happened to me in my early 20's when I had 5 miscarriages in a row. I was 175 pounds when I went in for the D and C in July this summer ... the nurse weighing me actually said " wow I would never have guessed you weigh that, you don't look like it at all" ...  then by the time we were leaving for Mexico I knew my clothes were stretched as far as they could ... most don't fit me ... I knew that I was pushing 190 if not over it .. this is all without having a scale.. I just know how much I weigh!
When I walked into the Natural Paths office one week ago tomorrow, I knew I had probably lost about 5 pounds due to getting sick in Mexico .. my appetite was definitely smaller and I couldn't keep food down ... I told the Dr I thought I probably weighed 185.. I weighed in at 186 ... see I know my body!
I have been feeling bloated fat and not very attractive for several months. I knew I was at a very unhealthy weight. This all made my decision to do a rapid weight loss via the Natural Path an easy one.
I have to say I am VERY nervous about going tomorrow for my first weigh in. It doesn't feel like I have lost any weight. I didn't have the OH.MY.THE.FAT.IS.DRIPPING.OFF.ME moment I was hoping for! BUT .. I do feel better... I do feel less bloated and if nothing else I think actually doing something about it is helping me feel overall more motivated and healthier. I am not finding the reduce calorie diet too hard (I think the appetite reduction right before hand helped with that) ... I am choking down the 2 tsp of coconut oil every morning, by far that is the hardest part of all this! and I miss sauce! I LOVE SAUCES! I have to be organized... again not always my strong point when it comes to myself...catering and events yes, my personal home life not so much! But I will complete this 30 day plan that I am on come hell or high water! paying for it all up front also helps with the motivation!!
Mostly I eat apples, oranges, melba toast, almonds, grilled chicken, cucumbers, tomatoes and spinach... I tried grilled sole last night, not my favourite! I am sure that soon I will be craving some more flavours! but I keep telling myself this " Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels" the quote is actually supposed to be as good as skinny feels but I will never be skinny but I can be healthy!!
Edited to Add : I forgot to mention that I am drinking a TON of water every day and now I remember why I didn't drink enough water every day .... I have to pee every hour ... I do not enjoy it and I loathe public washrooms and I find the whole process rather a waste of my time :) I know that sounds stupid but really every hour having to pee is irritating :)

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