Last week was a bit of a nutso week .. for many reasons! I had an experience on top of it all that made me feel like the little girl that I think we all carry inside of us women. I am talking about the scared little insecure girl that wants everyone to like her and be happy with her.
I grew up the youngest in a large family FULL of females, it seemed we had a revolving door of people that stayed with us long and short term. Our house was busy to say the least. Add to that a dad who when I was very little worked out of town and was gone a lot and left my mom to hold the fort on her own. I was an observer and a poop disturber all rolled into one! I learned you had to be loud to be heard, and I like being heard, you had to bang on the ONE bathroom door persistently to get in, which I did even if I didn't have to GO to the toilet but I wanted desperately to be IN there and be a part of whatever was going on. If a room was off limits it became even more desirable to enter... no-no foods were sneaked and coveted.. do not touch meant touch as often as you can possibly get away with. I wanted to be where the action was and to my older teenage sisters a HUGE pain in the buttocks. I even decorated our Christmas tree one year with their female products right before their friends came over and dangled the tampons from my ears for good measure.. I was noticed all right!!
There is a part of me and I honestly think it's less a part of me more and more as I continue to "grow up" that hates confrontation .. especially if I feel like I have disappointed someone or let someone down. It makes me literally cower and have anxiety. This happened last week. Instantly I felt sick. I couldn't make myself take the situation head on like a real grown up. I was that little girl again afraid that my disappointing them would have the power to make them not like me any more. A fact, considering who I felt I had disappointed, would never feel or at least if it did.. she would tell me and work it out with me. I knew that in my head but my reactions were not lining up with fact. I agonized over it for 3 days!! And when I knew I couldn't hide from it any longer, I contacted her, and instantly was met with NO PROBLEM, no anger at me, no resentment shown and a calm " you could never do anything to make me that mad at you".. all things I should have known and did under all the crap I was feeling. It didn't help with the other things going.. sometimes a little anxiety can make other things even seem BIGGER then they are!
I kind of chuckled at my chicken self.. and I thought about my instant reaction and the insecurities it brought up and why at 39, can I still feel that way? I know we are all in process, there are many layers to life and our journeys are not over until we are 6 feet in the ground! and even then our life will have impact that will carry on, at least one hopes. I berated myself momentarily and wondered at the little girl that is still inside me. Thinking about the little girl who was full of mischief and the most stubborn strong willed behaviour my mom had endured from her 4 daughters! :) the little girl who forced and pushed herself into groups whether they wanted me or not!... mostly not! :) and that same little girl who just so wanted to belong, all the time, every where. The little girl who gave presents to a teacher I knew did not like me at all and tried so hard to win her over... that little girl she is still in me and every now and then I have to address her/that feeling and walk her through being a grown up!
SIDE NOTE RE WEIGHT LOSS: I weighed myself this morning... I actually broke down and bought a scale.. one of the girls said she couldn't believe it.. from boycotting scales her whole life I actually purchased one and brought it home. The reason, I wanted to know if I was having plateaus... so I could keep this momentum going and reach my goal... one of my girls stood on it and started to cry.. THAT is a reason I hate scales! I don't believe in the number being a reflection of what "normal" is .. cuz we are all so different and my girls have a mom and a dad who have dense bones and the scale is not a true reflection of what is healthy for us to other peoples standards. I hated that she cried. It broke my heart. I am on a mission to help her get healthy without "dieting" as she is still growing and I think that is so unhealthy mind spirit and body at her age! For me when I stepped on it this morning and saw that in less than 2 weeks I have lost 10 pounds I felt excited .. mostly cuz the lack of flavour I am eating and missing some foods is actually paying off. So now my big challenge is how to turn this around for my daughter and be an example of health and nothing more.. no I am fat talk, no I hate my body talk, just a simple it's time to get and stay healthy kind of talk. If I can do that and help her then I don't mind keeping the scale .. otherwise as soon as this weight loss challenge I am on is over.. the scale will be in the garbage can!!