Yesterday I had an impromptu Dr appointment and received some news I wasn't expecting to hear.
I had thought they had given me the results of the pathology reports from the miscarriage ... what they did give me were the results from the 9 viles of blood they took! that's a LOT of tests.. every single one of them came back normal.. the mix up with the results of the pathology falls into the explanation that for some reason while I have had my last name changed legally for a while now for whatever reason the medical branch of our Government has kept my old last name ... so when I went in for results before they were missing this report and didn't realize it .. since there were so many results to give!
SO bringing me back to the office appointment yesterday where I had gone in thinking I was going to be getting a prescription for medication to help me stay pregnant should it happen again.. with the thought that the pathology of the tissue they tested being normal and thinking it was my body failing yet again to produce life ... well the results were not normal.
My Dr swung the computer screen around to face me and before he said anything else out loud I read the words that I blogged before about not wanting to know as I felt it would make it harder for me .. the sex of the baby ... and there it was right in front of me and the 1 word seemed to leap off the screen ... MALE .... being the self professed slow processor that I am, I am still grappling with that little BIG fact. As far as to my knowledge I have never carried a boy. All the miscarriages that I had in my 20's that were tested were all girls and of course my 4 living children are all girls .. I thought maybe I simply didn't "make" boys..even though I know the sex is determined by the father I still thought I was somehow responsible for it. (that is kind of a reflection in many areas of my life right there to be honest!) I felt it was my "fault" and while I love my girls to pieces and cannot imagine my life without them, I am NOT saying I didn't want my girls.. I am saying that I always wanted a son as well! big difference between those 2 things!
Its kind of still hitting me in waves... not crumbling to the floor kind of emotions but the fact that I had a boy .. had ... makes me think the potential of having a son to hold in my arms is possible. I like that thought.
After seeing the word Male, I saw to the left of that the words Trisomy 22 .... the little baby didn't really have much of a chance. My Dr started to explain that most Trisomy babies don't make it to birth and those that do have a lifetime of challenges. This was simply natures way. He said he was encouraged by the report. Encouraged seems the wrong word and yet in this situation it is the only word. It means that it wasn't the stress, it wasn't the long hours at work, it wasn't the cold medicine, it wasn't the glaring in my face constant pain and fact that my body has lost more babies then it's brought to fruition/life. Simply it wasn't my fault.
Sometimes those are magical words.
The Dr told me he doesn't feel I need to be on any medication ... since all tests were normal as far as my body, blood, hormones and more are concerned .. and the fact that the miscarriage was a genetic fluke as they term it, then there is no reason to assume that it will occur again. Yes my age shows that I have a higher risk of abnormalities and complications but then he looked at me and said " your ONLY 39!" when it's said like that it feels young :) I was given the green light ... keep in contact .. text me any time ... I feel positive about this ... and I was given the usual don't get your hopes up too high so you don't crash if it doesn't happen and then the nod of his head and knowledge in his eyes when he said " you know what that's like already " .. yes yes I do! and he knows it as he walked through a lot of my pregnancies with me.
I have this picture in my mind ... a picture of a place that's beauty and brightness has 1 source .. I see a group of blonde little girl angels running and skipping along giggling and laughing, only happiness is in this place, and now I see one little boy baby being held by one of the bigger girl angels .. and they see me ... and I know one day we will meet in that beautiful place.