Just a warning this post may be a little graphic for the men... if any men indeed read this blog!!
I am an open person.. I know, like duh! :) and it's part of what makes me.. well ... me! I can't help but wonder if my being open doesn't help someone else along their journey!.. I certainly hope it does!
I have blogged about my recent miscarriage and I am still going through the process of healing from it...physically and emotionally.... I met with my Dr a couple of weeks ago and received the pathology report on the "tissue" they sent off to be tested ... everything came back normal... I couldn't ask what the sex was, for me, knowing would have been harder... it's easier for me to wrap that memory in a little box and put it on a shelf in my mind... I have had 7 miscarriages in my life... I never named any of them.. I don't remember all the due dates, I know some women do and if that's easier for them then that's what they should do! for me, it's not, so I don't.
It's hard to describe the feeling of sitting in the Dr's office waiting to hear if there is a WHY you lost your baby... you are half hoping there was something wrong and hoping there is nothing wrong so you can try again.... hope is like a butterfly fluttering around the room.. it's there, you can catch a glimpse of it but you are terrified to touch it in case you... well in case you are let down.... again .... it's more than a roller-coaster ride cuz a ride indicates you can get off... these situations are a part of your life...there is no getting off!
What I was told was frank and to the point... and I have to say that my OB-GYN is the most amazing Dr ever!! in fact I even have his personal cell # and am allowed to text him whenever I feel the need... he is truly amazing!! and he is the ONLY Dr that would allow me to have my miracle baby #2 naturally!! if you know my story you will know that I had 5 miscarriages in a row... the Dr's said I had to take heparin and I was a human pin cushion injecting myself 2x a day and I was even told at the age of 23 to give up!! that a real live baby was never going to happen!...till I met this Dr and he told me that women know their bodies better then anyone else and he would allow me to go through the surprise pregnancy with my Miss Em without the aid of drugs/meds... and she is almost 15 years old today!! anyway... back to the present!.... I was told that there was NO reason the baby died... basically it was completely normal and no issues were found... (deep breath and a pause.... still mourning my little one)...
He told me that he believes no one should live their lives with regret ... Paul has no children of his own and he, my Dr, feels that we should definitely try again....BUT we should tell ourselves it will not happen...down play it so you are not stressing about it and you can allow your body..and mind .. to relax about it! he told me to create a positive stress free environment ( I MAY have snorted at that comment) and to get as healthy as I can over the next couple of months... once I have had 2 cycles he is going to put me on progesterone ...something I have never had to be on for miscarriage before... and we can try again ... he said the positive news is my eggs/ovaries are still working at 39 years old... the negative is that miscarriage rates go up at my age as well as other possible complications... he ordered a slew of blood tests... 9 viles worth!! and told me maybe I need to see a Haematologist again. When I was 23 I was diagnosed with Lupus Anticoagulant. .. then after my miracle baby #4 was born I was having some issues with that special time of the month... they tested me again for it and it was negative!! so..... weird they don't understand it!.... so he tested me again for it.. told me I should be on baby Aspirin for the rest of my life... and to "take it easy eh!"
I saw my family Dr last week.... I received the report back from all the tests... they are ALL normal.. so this is good news BUT when you are living in a recurring miscarriage kind of life you actually want them to find something... anything ... to give you the answer to the WHY THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING!!.... I told him of what my OB said about trying again and he looked at me and said " one more time and then you need to stop this" ... I LOVE my family Dr.. and I know he really cares about me and my family as well! he has been my Dr since I was 11 years old!!
I am not sure what most peoples responses are when they are told what to do... me... I cringe inside and usually go out of my way to do the opposite! it's a kind of stubborn on a whole other level!! maybe cuz I am the baby of a large family of bossy females? maybe cuz it's just the way God made me and I have had to face an awful lot in my 39 years and it's part of what gets me through?? maybe I am just plain old stubborn?! but it was a weird feeling.. I couldn't help but be thrown back into the hospital room when I was 23 and was just recovering from a miscarriage that went sceptic and I was so full of infection they kept me in for 4 days and I almost lost my uterus!!.. they stood there and said... please stop trying.. it's enough... I wasn't exactly "trying" when I got pregnant with Emily the following month... but I was thrilled beyond what is able to be properly expressed when my actual LIVE baby was born ... my OB actually said "you are proving the Dr's wrong" ...
fast forward 15 years
my body is 15 years older... I have a house full of teen girls...hormonal emotional crazy teen girls :) ... I work.. A LOT .. I do love working though and I am in the position where I have to work.. it's not like I can say ok lets try again and I will take some time off and rest.. that's not really possible.. my career is at a place of flux and that's all I can really say about that.. but it's all stressful and all just simply where my life is at.
I cannot deny my reality... and yet I have this tenacious drive.. I like that better then "stubborn" :) ... and me and rest.. well we are not the best of friends... more like oil and water... but I am trying to relax about it all... I really am!! I know I am not in control of all this, I know there is no magic cure or magic anything that will make it happen for me! there is no guarantee that the progesterone/baby aspirin combo will work... like with most things in life there is no guarantee.. my mind knows this... my heart is a different story.
Now my body is still adjusting to post-miscarriage... a miscarriage is actually very hard on the body... and I am having lingering effects...longer and more severe then what I remember but then I am 15 years older! I had to stay at home laid up for the past couple of days and so what is there to do but watch TV? ( I am now a HUGE Downton Abby fan!!) .. I watched Steel Magnolia's one of my all time favourite movies... and at the end when Arnelle goes into labour... I cried... a place deep inside of me quickly rose and I sat there and cried... cried for the baby I just lost... cried for the fact that I may never be able to give my amazing husband a child of his own.. cried for the fact that my body just struggles with producing life.. BELIEVE me I get what a miracle it is that I have healthy LIVE children... and 4 of them!! they are all miracles. I cried for the fact that this all makes me feel like a failure...something no one wants to feel... I cried for the fact that here I am 39 and going through what I went through 15 + years prior.. I cried because I felt sorry for myself. I just cried. I mourned the hardship. I mourned the fact that this dream may not become a reality.
Crying and mourning it ... picking up all the facts, feelings, thoughts, dreams and expectations.. looking at them, examining them, allowing yourself to really feel all of it.. and then placing them back down in what I imagine as a large clear bowl full of blue Hawaiian water... allowing them to be there where you can see them, knowing they are there but also knowing you have no power to make them a reality or go away or whatever it is you are facing... letting them go.. letting them be.
I don't like not being in control... I don't like not being able to plan and prepare... but here I am learning it ALL OVER AGAIN!
I am telling myself to take it all one day at a time... just breath.. just do what I can with what I have.. relax... enjoy my hubby... enjoy my kids.. ok that is funny did I mention they are hormonal emotional crazy teen girls??!!! :)
What will be will be and whether we try 1 more time or 5 ... ok 5 makes me want to roll into the fetal position, I honestly don't think at 39 I have 5 more tries in me... but we are going to take it 1 try at a time... I want my husband to have a child of his own. I would LOVE to have a son. I would also love to have a million dollars :) but I know from obvious personal experience, I have to let it go, I have to trust and I have to be in the moment every day. I have to just keep breathing... ok I know that sounds so cliché one obviously HAS to keep breathing :)