loss

This summer is flying by mostly due to the incredible work load I have at present...with the biggest weekend looming directly in front of me! I am exhausted just thinking about it... and to top it all off I have experienced a loss... a loss I can't really process too much as I am frankly just that busy and at the moment thankfully so!
This kind of loss is nothing new to me... I was afraid of having to go down this road again and here I am.. life is unpredictable and sometimes cruel and a lot of times painful. I have had my share of pain and I think I won't understand why until I am standing in front of my Maker!
In My 20's I experienced several miscarriages.. in fact I went through almost 3 years of miscarriage after miscarriage until I finally had my miracle baby Emily.. quickly followed by Hailey followed by another loss and then my baby Faith arrived... all 4 of my pregnancies with the girls were high risk... I was on forced rest with all of them but Hailey... my body struggled to hang on to the pregnancy and my deliveries were not that great either!!
Fast forward 11 years... here I am just turned 39! New hubby who has no children of his own and I would love more then anything to give him a child. It's kind of like this great romantic notion... giving a man a child! I was not delusional to the reality of what a baby means.... it's a 20 year sentence :) I get it!! trust me! standing in the thick of teenage girls I get the reality of having a baby.. and starting all over! my baby is going into grade 6 this year I really only have 6 more years of school and I get the golden medal for surviving 4 girls through 12 years of school each!! :) the light is almost visible at the end of the tunnel! and here I am willing to start all over .... endure pregnancy ... endure delivery ... all for this man that I love so very much. ( I just want to clarify that Paul is not putting on any pressure on me to have a baby ... in fact it's the opposite!! he has made it very clear that he loves me and he loves the girls and he is content with his life and has the family he always dreamed of having!! his support is unreal and I have a stronger love then ever for him after experiencing his love and devotion!)
6 months of marriage and it finally happened ..... we conceived! I was thrilled and scared and to be honest felt a little ridiculous at the thought that the same month my baby was due my oldest child would be turning 20 years old! kind of a surreal thought! I felt great... a few symptoms were kicking my butt but overall I was thrilled and felt a new level of closeness with my hubby at the joy of sharing this lifetime experience with him. Then it started... the cramping.. the spotting ... the fears I experienced so long ago came rushing back like it was yesterday... and I was working physically hard as my job is a lot of lifting and standing and running around.. I also work a LOT ... I have had to and right now the contracts that I have worked hard to attain are happening! I can't change peoples wedding dates cuz I am pregnant!!! So the stress is there.. I don't do well with stress.. never have.. and yet I know I cause a lot of it myself by over thinking over worrying and getting lost in the lists that are constantly ticking in my head. I ended up in the ER thinking I was loosing the baby and my old OB/GYN was there and said ... rest rest rest ... keep off your feet as much as possible.... your age your history are all factors to rest rest rest .... my hubby chuckled and said yah right... the girl doesn't sit still.... the Dr said ... she has too! sooooo I told my staff the situation... I rested as much as I could.. I didn't lift... I didn't stand for long times... I delegated more... it made me become more organized .... I found an assistant who is capable of doing my maternity leave and I thought .. all is well, it's all falling into place .... my Dr called me last Tuesday saying I got you in for another ultrasound .... I went in .... there was no heart beat ... the past emotions I experienced were right there knocking on the door ... I knew what was to come ... a D and C ... I have never naturally miscarried and in fact almost lost my uterus due to going septic at a miscarriage that didn't fully pass.... heart ache... having to tell Paul I lost his baby ... the feeling of being a failure that is probably the first and strongest emotion you feel when you miscarry ... the hopelessness that comes with the knowledge I am 39 the clock is ticking time is not on my side... the awareness that it could all mean that my body is proving yet again how much of a miracle my 4 daughters really are and how hard it is for me to produce life... my body kills babies.... I might not be able to give my amazing husband a child of his own.... it's all there waiting for me to process.. 3 am sucks cuz that's when I wake up thinking.. the Rolodex that is my mind is going full tilt and the tears cannot be contained..... I am glad I am so busy right now.. it helps push it all back.
This week I am crazy busy... like crazy crazy... basically by the end of Sunday I will probably have fed 5,000 people.... most of them between 14-17 years old! I am still trying to figure out what that looks like! I am also supposed to go in and see my Dr.. he wants to do tests... they are testing the tissue to see if there is a reason it wasn't viable... if it was an abnormality then it was all a "fluke", a random thing and nothing could have prevented it... if it is my body then Paul and I have to make a decision ... do we pursue this at our age and at our stage of life? My Dr feels we should try once more anyways ..... I am not sure my heart can take it ..... either is Paul.
So here I sit ... sharing ... cuz its what I do and who I am .... learning to lay it all down again and hoping for clear answers and direction. Taking it all one day at a time cuz really unless you have a time machine it's all any of us can ever do! Contemplating my life, my career and where we are headed as a family. Thinking about taking some on-line courses and even thinking about a new career all together.....one with a less physical drain and where I can leave work at work and maybe get some sleep at night ... ok that one is a long shot I know but a girl can dream!!

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