I wonder sometimes as women, how much time we spend on dreaming about things we have absolute NO control of?! I remember as a girl planning with my 3 besties about all living on the same street and all our kids would be the best of friends, like we were, and go to school together, like we did, and then move onto the same street and it would just go on and on and on. Little, did we little girls know, that we would grow up, one to lose her husband to cancer after she won her own fight with cancer, one would fight along beside her daughter who had cancer and has won the fight, one whose marriage would crumble into a million pieces but has found true love in the end and one whose life isn't what she dreamed it would be but it making it be an amazing life for her kids all by herself as her husband works in a different country. Not so close to the fairy tale life we envisioned for ourselves, although the end isn't here yet and we are pretty rocking these days! more or less! we are all fighters and all making an amazing life for ourselves despite the trauma and turmoil ... we are more than survivors! but this isn't what this blog post is about, just an amazing little bunny trail to say that life sure wasn't easy but us 4 girls have overcome in a huge way!
What I am wanting to talking about is no where near so important actually... it's just the place that I find myself in... I am 38 ok ok ok I am 38 and 1/2 ...ok pushing the half closer to 3/4 .. and newly married as I stated in my last post ... and we are trying for a baby... my husband has no biological children of his own.. many many many nephews and nieces.. seriously his family has taken the Scripture regarding being fruitful and multiply to heart! He is a fantastic Uncle..many of them have told me he is their favorite Uncle... and he is a great step-dad to my girls. He is constant, confident, easy-going and out going... he is an amazing man. Before I met him I almost had a procedure so I couldn't have any more kids... almost.. I am not even sure what led me not to get it done... then in the summer I had a bunch of health issues that had me thinking I cannot even get pregnant if I had tried... the Dr informed me after a bunch of tests that indeed I could still carry a child and everything looked really prime to do so and he told me of the risks and that my "window" was getting ever so smaller...tick tock tick tock.
There are times when I am swept away in the romantic notion that giving him a child would be the ultimate gift ... and then I remember the "gift" would keep us and I mean US! I am not planning on doing this alone! up all night, it will poop and cry and cry and poop. Many many items I no longer have in storage would have to be bought to properly care for this "gift" and my body... oh my poor body... would be greatly altered by this "gift". (please know that I say all this with tongue in cheek and in no way mean to diminish the gift of life! and I also realize that I was sooooo monitored for the last couple of years that I am maybe a little over board with my disclaimers). Being the mom of 4 girls I get what having a baby is all about! I think the fact that I am even willing is a testimony to how much I love my husband (some may say it's a testimony of how crazy I am).
So how do I really feel about it all.... I feel nervous... I feel very nervous.. partially because I have had miscarriages, I know the pain of instantly loving your baby and then having it not survive. I know the fear that grips you to double-check every time you go to the bathroom for a sign the baby had died... yet again. I know the fear that shadows a lot of your waking moments and fills your dreams. To love and lose... it's heart wrenching on a level I don't wish on my enemies.
I feel nervous about not having enough energy that it takes to get up umpteen times a night. To nurse, to change diapers, to continue on with the day-to-day needs of my older girls and be there for them. I feel nervous how I would balance all that and my job.
I have NO idea the cost of having a baby these days?! but I do love all the new gadgets and cool things they didn't have with the girls.
I wonder at the mix of me and my husband.. ok and a little afraid of it as well... we both were not stellar children... more like hyper active DO NOT FEED SUGAR too type of children. Calm would not be an adjective used to describe either of us!
I dream of having a son... I have always wanted a son. Obviously I realize I cannot control what the sex of the baby would be ... we would love a little girl as well.. I actually can really see my husband with a little girl! if we had a girl first there may be a draw to have a second... oh boy that's a whole other post!
I dream of little hands and baby noises and long snuggles on the coach.
I dream of seeing my husbands face holding our child.
I dream of melting our hearts all together... this new not so little family of ours.
I dream of having a child with this man who loves me so completely who is a true partner to me and would play a huge part in raising the baby. I dream of experiencing this at a more mature more calm level then I did when I had the girls.
I dream of a child that I am afraid of losing, that I am afraid may never come at all, that brings up fears I thought I would never have to overcome again (anyone who has had a miscarriage will understand), that I would love so fiercely for the rest of my life!
Love would not be lacking!
Time will tell if this is going to happen or not.... tick tock! I did put a cap on the time limit... maybe I am wrong but I cannot imagine being 40 and still trying... at some point the dream of a child will be put towards the distant title of Grandma that I will wear hopefully far far far far far down the road :)