why me ... answered in a sense

In my last blog post I said that I had wondered in the midst of all this craziness of getting married! :) why me? why was I being so blessed? and after I wrote that post later that night, as I lay in my bed,...not sleeping as per usual these days ... an answer of sorts, at least to me, dawned on me.

When I heard that small still voice prompting me to join a Christian Dating site... and then why Christian Mingle I don't even remember! it could have been that I saw a profile or 2 I thought were good looking, I am not going to lie! ... I did join 2 actually... only paid for Christian Mingle though... and then after meeting my guy I remember we were having a conversation and it became very clear to me that this man was looking for a wife... he literally said " I am not looking for a girlfriend, I am looking for a wife" ... I think my direct answer was "OH" as I quickly swallowed and tried to still my overly beating heart. He heard the panic in my voice and said " I thought we were on the same page?!" I think I might have been stuttering a little bit and trying to sound calm and I knew at that moment that things were happening that were in a sense out of my control and yet very much in my control. I could have jumped ship right at that moment.. I could have said whoa easy there buddy this is moving fast ... I could have said many things... but I listened instead... I think I did mutter a few unintelligent words about oh well yah sure eventually I want to get married but I am NOT in a hurry... and that was the truth even though I was PETRIFIED of the get married again and possibly have my heart stomped on and ripped in 2 part. I knew I didn't want to lose this guy and yet at the same time didn't want to give him false hope. The truth is I could see myself with him...trusted him and I couldn't explain that cuz trust was a major issue for me... but I was scared and holding on to protecting my heart. BUT despite all these things... I felt calm and trusted that feeling.

So all this to say why me? and no I am not going to answer with the patent why not me?! I think I was obedient. I think that I was listening to that small still voice throughout this process and it led me down paths I had no idea lay waiting for me. I could have not listened and walked away. I could have decided that my fear was too great to ignore. I could have held on to protecting my fragile heart MORE then keep walking down the path I found myself on. BUT I didn't... I did listen. I did follow that calm inside of me that told me everything was going to be ok, better then be ok in fact. So why me? I think because I was obedient. I trusted. I walked in faith in a sense. And now here I stand 11 days before I am getting married and still sometimes can barely believe it myself... feeling all these things, pondering them in my wide awake in the middle of the night times... and thankful that I listened.

Oh and I wanted to record all this cuz time has a way of erasing some memories and impressions... what drew me to the profile picture of my man... he looked like family.. I noticed that he looked like a strong no-nonsense kind of guy by the pose he chose for his profile picture. He sat on a couch and the angle was a side profile.. on the back of the couch he sat on was a knitted afghan... I noticed the afghan... it looked cozy and like this guy was a family kind of REAL guy.... maybe to some that sounds silly but after really studying his picture..and then reading his profile... and then seeing the other pictures I saw wow this guy looks like a really nice guy... he really hates that! it is a bit of his nemesis of sorts... but he does look like a nice guy... he IS a nice guy :) and then from his first upfront and honest initial email to me I haven't looked back.. haven't had any regrets or twinges of maybe this isn't the right thing... it is soooo right! and I am SOOOO excited!! so that's why why me!!

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