missing the girls

I think this is the second time ever as a mom...which I have been for 18 1/2 years now!....that I have been home alone without the girls! my oldest baby is in England and the other 3 are on an Alaskan Cruise with their dads side of the family... and I am here ... alone... with the cat, who is a great snuggler but she leaves a few marks from kneading at my arms!! .... and since I haven't had to do a lot of "alone" in a long long time ... well... it's quiet and I am pretty sure that I don't do quiet very well.

Bottom line is I miss them terribly... tonight I was thinking of their faces, the sounds of their voices and I was getting a little emotional at the quiet, at the missing of them .... especially my 12 year old... her and I, well, we have our differences and our journey has had quite the toll on our relationship. I miss her and it makes me want to cry... fighting it even as I write this which is not very convenient for writing as it tends to make the screen a tad blurry... there are so many things I wish I could have done better, so many if I could turn back time moments that I struggle with....I wish I wish I wish moments. I see her and know there are things that are totally my fault...things that are her personality... things that she is a victim of in her circumstances and things that I cannot change and they are what they are .... and I see my 12 year old hurting in ways that breaks my heart ... I just miss her so incredibly much and am praying for answers and peace and direction in how I can help her...effectively and for the good.

I am so far from perfect. I have made mistakes with my kids. I love my girls with my whole heart. I love being their mom. I want whats best for them in this world. I want them to become incredible strong independent amazing successful loving Women who know who they are and what their purpose is in this life. I want them to know their value always. I want them to never hurt even though I know they do, they have, and that's part of life. I am thankful to be their momma and hope that when they emerge as women they will forgive me my mistakes and see and know my heart for them.

Right now in this quiet house...way too quiet house... I wonder what adventures they have had this day...what they are doing now .... and pray for their safe return home.

Going to sniff my tears away and cuddle my cat now and pray for my girls... all of them... I miss them so much.


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