the measure that is me

yesterday was a bit of a weird day to be sure... I think I have a lot of weird days as I am a firm believer that there is no "normal" :)  and to top it off I have managed to get myself an upper and lower respiratory infection and was ordered bed rest...which me and my Dr had a little chuckle at.. and some heavy duty antibiotics... my theory is the allergies wore me down..well that and the insane amount of work hours I keep and massive responsibility I carry but hey who's counting? :) just the way things are and I am fine with being a work-aholic! anyways yesterday I had to take care of a little business in what I am hoping is the last legs of the legal crap one has to deal with when one is getting a divorce. I should have been a lawyer!! After a lot of run around and more than a few phone calls I had to come to a decision that no one else could make for me and it's one that will hopefully not backfire on me but one I had no choice in making... I had to make it one way or the other. I consulted with one of my sisters and my mom and of course my lawyer, I was torn by what I just wanted to do and what I was being told I could do by my lawyer and weighing my options.( and I have to add that I love how my sister and mom who KNOW me totally agreed with me and encouraged me in knowing I was doing the right thing) In the past couple of years I have felt I haven't had a lot of options and choices were made for me rather then with me.

When it all come down to the wire what I felt the strongest was to once again, let it go. Why try to fight something for something that isn't mine any longer? like grains of sands slipping through my fingers is a future I no longer hold. I saw that making a decision one way could hinder my ability to fully keep moving forward and over all the other things I had to contemplate that was what did it for me. I want to move forward in fact I have been moving forward for a long time. I like moving forward and while there are things that I have to deal with and some aspects of this will probably never be easy... it is getting easier.

This all lead me...after praying the Lord's Prayer
"Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgiven those who have trespassed against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory,
forever and ever

to see myself lined up beside a giant measuring stick. The thought going through my head was....what measure of woman am I going to be? a woman who wants revenge? a woman who wants what I deserve? both of those are dangerous things to want as revenge just leads to more misery and what I deserve...well some people may have differing opinions on what I deserve but I know that we ALL fall short and I know that I am far from perfect, I know hard to believe but alas it's true :) ..... so what do I want my measure of worth to be?

I want my measure to be a woman who after hitting the lowest place I could imagine managed with help from God and my friends and family to pick myself up, hold my head high, and regain the knowledge of who I was created to be. I want my measure to be a woman who trusts in doing the right thing because it is the right thing and not what I can possibly gain from the situation. I want my measure to be one of mercy and grace. I want my measure to be that which my daughters can look at me and say wow that's my mom! I don't want to measure myself to what others think or what I think their standards may be cuz at the end of the day it won't stand up. I don't want my measure to be one of bitterness and endless pain. I don't want to go around worrying about what others may think...ok I may have not really struggled TOO much with that one haha..although we all do in different aspects from time to time.

What I did see in my decision was a freedom of sorts. A freedom to keep moving forward with as much dignity and integrity as I can muster, and I get that I don't always do that well but I am consciously trying. A freedom that will allow me to have a relationship with someone that can have the potential to be something amazing knowing that all the grains of sand are no longer being held in my hand or fist. I have open free hands, free to hold a new and better future.
A freedom to be me.
A freedom to be where I am by choice.  

That is the measure of me.
And after all is said and done... I stand, lined up to a measuring stick that is based on truth and faith and not what others say. I am excited about my future and what God has in store for me and what new adventures I am going to have.

And that's all I have to say about that...part of letting it all go!
well ok, maybe 1 more thing to say!



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