I am not sure I could pin point the exact moment it happened, there was no lightening bolt from heaven announcing it's arrival... it just happened.
It started about 2 weeks ago now and it has been growing ever since, bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment.
Actually it most likely started long before that all building up to this.
I feel great!
I mean I really feel good!! I am in a place that I never imagined I would be. I have a contentment that has flooded my soul and it's as if I am seeing things in a different color. There is a peace that I have stepped firmly into that is amazing. The darts that fly at me, they don't have the same effect! I know who I am .... and I like who that is! I actually had a picture in my head last week as some darts were being thrown at me and it was like I could literally see the darts and they stopped in front of me as if they hit a wall and just fell to the ground...rendered useless and powerless.
It's almost like I woke up one morning took inventory of my life and liked what I saw! I have 4 incredible beautiful on the inside and out daughters and even though I am still walking out a few struggles with them ... I realize that is called parenting and it never ends!! I see the effects of my last couple of years on my parents and the tole it has taken on them...and my sisters... family is like that! Parenting and issues and struggles with kids isn't something that you ever grow out of. I have a great relationship with my girls. They share stuff with me that I know their friends don't share with their moms... sometimes I wish I didn't know everything :) but I am thrilled that they share with me.... we have a bond that can never be broken. I am confident in that, they have my heart and I have theirs and that is something that no event or outside influence can steal...although I get the struggles and ups and downs of life, ok understatement of the century!!! My cousins sisters aunties and uncles... I am closer then ever to them! they are all pillars of strength to me and the girls... MY family brings me joy.
I looked at my little house... it's a townhouse but it suites us just fine...sure land and open spaces, like what we had in PG, would be ideal and we day dream and reminisce about that but this is where we are and it works for us. I love my space. I love my room and the way I have decorated it. I love my down time ... ok I so don't get much of that which makes it even more enjoyable when I get it... I love that we live close to the Ocean... I have lived by the Ocean for most of my life... I love the sea air and the sounds. We are blessed to live in such a beautiful place. I also have the most amazing neighbor...she is a support to me and loves on me and my girls .... I couldn't ask for more than that! seriously she is a gift. My home brings me joy.
I looked at my friends and a smile grew on my face. I have found such strength in my friends. Friends from so many different walks of life and bring such a diversity to my life and add so much to me. My close friendships have deepened to a whole new level. I also have gained a new perspective on personal pain that I never had, wouldn't wish on anyone either, that gives me empathy where I didn't before. My friends bring me joy.
I looked at my job and although so many times it is chaotic and crazy busy, it also gives me flexibility to be a single mom to my girls....and that is invaluable to me. I love learning new things and I have found such joy in doing my catering for the funerals, providing a service to a family in their time of need....it feels good, and I am good at it. Last week I was able to pull off a reception for 150 people with 45 min notice...from phone call to laying out the food me and my team pulled it off and it felt amazing! so yes I am a popcorn thinker and people look at me and how I function and think how does she do it? I appear disorganized, sometimes I am, but it doesn't prevent me from performing my job and my customers are thrilled! Most of the time, cuz there are moments, my job brings me joy.
I have started re-attending a local church where I grew up ... and the pastors are amazing and incredibly supportive to me... I feel as if they have just walked up to me and silently placed their hands under my elbows and whispered love and support into my ears and are standing with me when I didn't even ask...they just did.... that is a true picture of what I imagine a pastor to be and that brings me joy.
I realized that I have come to the place where I have truly been able to accept the things that I cannot change. The past is firmly in the past and I am only looking forward now. I am becoming more true to me all the time and see my confidence returning every day. My peace and joy are quickly replacing the fears and self worth issue demons I was facing. I honestly and truly am happy... and I get this is just the beginning of this discovery! I can't wait for more! I love my life. I love where I am in my life and I am excited about what else life has for me. I am content with it. I know I don't need anyone to fill me up but I also know that as I continue to grow and heal that someone special and worthy of what I have to offer :) will find me and walk with me and love me for all of me, my quirks, my bad habits :) and my peace and joy.
Someone just posted on my facebook as I was typing this out ..."the bend of the road isn't the end of the road... turn girlfriend turn".. that is precisely what I intend to do!