Today someone said to me.. "it's good that you are crying cuz it means you are doing something"..... I have been off the anti-depressants for awhile now... they were more for the anxiety I was feeling then depression... and I have NO idea if that's whats going on or its just the stage of grief that I am in or both or what... but the tears are free-flowing. Today I went to church...it being Easter Sunday and all I thought I would be a "good" Christian girl and go.... I have been wanting to go but with soccer it was a really good and viable excuse to stay away. My faith has been, well... shattered to a degree you could say. I have had so many whys and how comes and how could YOU?! that even though there have been times when I ran deep into my faith on this journey there has been a long stretch here where I just couldn't add it all up and struggled with all the questions and the answers and the no-answers I was getting. I have been frustrated with it all and hiding to be completely honest.
Today I knew I was supposed to go, so Morgan and I went.... old hymns get me and this morning was no exception...the tears started....then talking to someone I have known since I was 11 years old in the bathroom :) shedding a few tears and re-connecting...it was precious! then I went in to the message...missed a bit of the beginning oops and walked in with NOISY shoes double oops... and it was like the whole sermon was directed right at me... the tears kept coming. I have felt exactly as the Pastor described... like I am holding out my hand to God saying in a quiet and thin voice... "I know you are still here but I certainly can't feel You or understand You and my faith is tattered and I feel like hope is gone for me and it's all I can do to stand"... admitting that, hearing that, feeling that ... was pretty rendering. BUT still connected to the source...still knowing He is there even though I can't feel Him right now, even though the circumstances in my life have torn my heart and soul to pieces, I am still connected. Connecting to others is like giving my faith a jump start that I need. We are creatures made for attachment, relationship and connection. Anything less and we literally dry up.
The other thing that was said that I clung on too was the simple fact that I "forgot" that He led the children of Israel OUT of the desert... He didn't just take them out of captivity and lead them into the desert and then abandon them there...although due to their own sin they stayed there a LONG time and had much to suffer....He saw them out. He saw them all the way through. He is the beginning and the end...so He was with me before this all started, is with me while I am still in my desert place and He will finish what He started and lead me OUT! that is a promise and that fills my heart and soul with hope. Without hope what do we have? Whether you believe in God or not you have to have hope in the darkest days to not get swallowed completely by it!
My cousin gave me 2 books last night at her 50th Birthday party... ok how WEIRD is it to have my cousins turning 50?!! what scares me is that it means I am creeping up as well :) ... on grief and on how to see your children through grief... a lot what I learned at the Neufeld courses I took is on conflict resolution and how to help your children survive disappointment in life... and if you are over the age of 16 it is pretty safe to say that you have suffered a pretty big disappointment in life! and my girls have experienced too much disappointment in their young lives.
Surrounding myself with people I connect to... my besties!! I have to say I have amazing friends who love me unconditionally and I am blessed to have them in my life! I have amazing family who believes in me even when I don't believe in myself. I have beautiful daughters on the inside and out that I have an amazing connection with. I have a community of people that love on me and support me and lift me up. I am not in the desert alone. I will come out the other side with a radical transformation... and I am starting to really believe that from the bottom of my soul. I don't understand it all and some of it I do understand, I am certainly gaining a lot of clarity these days. There are moments I feel I can hardly breath and moments filled with a deep joy that is really unexplainable. There are fears I have of the unknown and mountains yet to conquer. Today I received a little zap of electric current to keep me connected to my Faith....and so the tears flow, the healing continues and I stand a little stronger.