hanging in there
"oh my dear, boys are so much easier...hang in there"
yup I am hanging in there... sort of
actually I can still put a smile on my face, drag myself to a few important meetings, make sure my girls have what they need and run back and forth from the sickie at home to the sickie in the hospital and try to organize Hailey's birthday party this Saturday although I did cancel the sleep over part...having the Norwalk virus in the house and sleep over just doesn't really mix!! ... and no, not cause I am some super freak of nature :) although some would beg to differ ... it's cuz I am a mom and that's what us moms do! we have super human strength and super human endless energy when the need arises. This week for me, the need has arisen. Next week I might be comatose but that remains to be seen.
All this and more... that's what I feel like saying when people say, how much do you have on your plate? not being a victim here or a martyr... I can hear one particular person muttering that under their breath! :) nope! simply a survivor and dare I say, more than a conqueror?! I like the sound of that more! I have to believe that. During my moments when I feel my heart beating up my throat and threatening to take a leap out.. I tell myself this.
There is so much going on inside me and in my immediate family that I cannot share here. I cannot because some of it is not mine to tell... I can only share my journey... this blog has been referred to as a gossip column by a few people but the only one I share about is me! my heart, thoughts, feelings and perspectives. So while I am starting a new journey (not the divorce!! already on that journey and in fact tomorrow the paper work is released to a judge...have no idea what that really means but if/when he approves it then we have the 30 day wait time then it's official...can't really tell you how I feel about that besides surreal) , of a nature I thought I would never face, like I said I cannot share it here too much as its just not appropriate... yes I do have morals! I have so many things I would love to blab and vent for hours on about but again... not appropriate... so I whisper things in the dark to the One who I know hears me and I have my close support network that is a life line to me and they help me through. I am hurting still... deeply ... going through all this with my kids this week has forced to make me aware that I don't have the alliance that I once had and am truly on my own and sometimes that makes me angry. The responsibility really does fall heavy on me. I feel it, all of it.
There are moments and times in this that I do feel strong and do feel how much I have grown and other times that I feel like I am just blindly walking forward cuz it's the only thing left to do.... but walking is better then hanging perhaps! I dunno... don't have the answers just trusting that everything will fall into place at the right time.