While I was lying awake this morning and listening to the soft purring of my babies sleep, my mind was racing....as it usually does!! One of the best ways I have to quiet the racing is downloading it here...
one of my racing thoughts was how I love being a mom.... even though the girls were LOUD last night...they are not that used to hotel etiquette and the hotel said people were complaining...oops!!!... I love my girls... I love how funny they are and witty..the wit they get from their dad....they make me full on belly laugh. I love how our relationship has deepened over this past year. From them taking out all their anger and frustrations on me and their hurt to what we have now... a security that I am here for them and not going anywhere and they can trust me and rely on me. I see a few issues that still need to be ironed out but it's like going through the refining fire of relationships and we have made it through!! ok I say that and totally get that I am just entering teenage years with daughter #2 with daughter #3 on her heels and the baby daughter racing to catch up to her older sisters!!! I know we will be just fine! I may have to re-read this several times throughout those years though :) there were many years and especially the last couple that I felt I wasn't a good mom...while I know I made mistakes the fact is... I am a good mom and my girls love me and I have their hearts and that really is the most important thing.
another of my racing thoughts was the saying that I learned a few weeks ago....what things/situations in your life that you cannot change you must see that they are there to change you! I have changed... I have changed for the good. While I have moments of total melt down and times where my emotions get the better of me... I know that I am not the same person I once was. I don't need someone else to tell me my worth. I don't need someone in my life to MAKE me happy. I don't need approval from everyone...while it's nice it's not realistic. I have learned to see myself the way I was created to be. One of my closest friends said to me earlier this week she said " I had not known you long before you shaved your head but the difference in you after you did that was amazing to me....before I didn't see much life in you and after I saw you emerging...the real you a stronger you." I see that a shift happened after I shaved my head... a strength was slowly emerging and I was becoming more confident.... so what I couldn't change...was changing me!
the thoughts of shaving my head led me to my next racing thoughts.....thinking about my life long friend and her daughter and their family.... they have had blow after blow after blow....leukemia and now bone death and a series of joint replacement surgeries, rehab and who knows what else in front of them all...all on top of some other issues cuz when you have children you are bound to have issues .... and I just simply cannot imagine what they are going through.. there is no measure of fairness in this...no reason to be found in all it... I find myself thinking of them so many times throughout the day and my heart breaks for them...for the journey they have been on and the road they still have to travel. To top it off they have had so many things break and while they are just things...things make our lives easier and this family could use a few things in their lives to make it easier!!! they have a few needs.... like a new lap top and a new breast pump to name a few.... if any of my readers feel the urge to donate to this amazing family please send me a comment and I will get it to them. Their strength and faith blows me away... they stand in amongst a storm that most of us would crumble in and I know that sometimes they feel like they are crumbling and yet they keep pulling themselves back up...truly truly inspirational....like more than any other people in my life that I know!
kind of puts all the reflections one has into perspective!! so I move forward...enjoy my time with my girls and keep taking it all step by step and changing what I can and letting what I can't change me.
It's a new day! :)