grieving

I tossed and turned all night long... I woke up and could barely see out of my eyes they are that puffy and swollen....the tears that I cried were definitely full of toxins! I haven't cried like that in a very long time. The different scenarios going through my head surprised me as I was expecting to replay all the wrongs that have happened....and know when I say wrongs that I have done plenty of wrongs myself... I am not the victim.

Here are the facts..... I married a man I loved and adored.. I still love him I imagine a part of me always will. I thought when we said I do that we would grow old together...there was never a thought in my mind that it would end like this. I mean it wasn't a rose garden and we had plenty of issues we both brought into the marriage and while we got some healing, there were, in my opinion, some deep seeded hurts and wounding that effected how we heard each other and how we saw the world. Then add to all that some choices that have life long consequences.....then add to that miscarriage after miscarriage and all the pain and turmoil that that brings. We both learned to fear new fears on top of what we already brought to the table. The fears learned from the miscarriages still have a toll on me as I battle fears of something going horribly wrong with the girls almost on a daily basis. I conquer them but they are real and they are something I am not sure will ever fully dissipate. Then just when we thought we were coming through the other side of all that pain and loss and finally growing together as a couple we were hit with CIDP. This was followed by depression and a lot of bad choices that came out of bad choices and not handling the shock of the diagnosis....as if we hadn't been through enough was a thought I had several hundred times a day. The rate of divorce in the Neurological Clinic is 87%. What happened afterwards feels like a tornado of decisions and results of choices made and undealt with depression. It was so much to deal with. Then add personality conflicts and ways to deal with pain and still issues unresolved that were there from the beginning and whamo.... you have me lying in my bed last night mourning a life full of tragedies and disappointments but remembering the good times....

the camping
the laughing
the miraculous birth of our girls
being able to read each others thoughts without having to say a word
the confiding in each other that was so natural and easy
the late night talks
the trips, while not as many as we would have liked the ones we had were great
the looks at each other that made everyone else in the room disappear
the knowledge that we had each others backs always without question
the cabin
the sound of his voice the richness of his laughter
the way his presence took up an entire room
the way I felt holding his hand
the way I felt walking into a room with him
he moved me to my very core
there is so much I miss of him
there is so much loss

yes there were communication breakdowns...yes there were problems...some of them quite big...yes there was verbal crap and choices made that should have never been made and while they are why we are here as they apparently became bigger then the good things...there are many many good things to mourn many good things to grieve. I have lost the only man I have ever loved. I have lost an entire family and even some friends. I have lost dreams and desires. I have lost so much. I have much to grieve.

1 comment:

Ditto said...

I wish you guys had gotten the help you needed. Remember those days of the two of you looking at each other from across the room. You could bounce ping pong balls off of Jason's head and he would not flinch. You had his full undivided attention.