First evidence of the fruit....the relationship with my girls... I have tried a few of the things I have learned in the course with them and well....it's working! again no one magically changes over night and old habits die hard but I can see the wisdom of the philosophy I am learning and I even think the biggest change is the feeling I have... it is safe to say that before with the girls I always felt I was scrambling to hold on to the ends of a balloon in a wind storm. I never felt like I had much control. Then add other circumstances and I became focused on the wind storm around me over the grip I had on the strings.... I had to let some of the strings go but what I didn't realize until now is that the strings are a part of me and I cannot lose them unless I cut them free. It's a word picture that makes sense to me not sure about you but understanding who I am and finding myself again and finding my strength and that I AM the mom I don't have to try to BE the mom.. I simply AM. It's a shift of thinking and therefore power over contrived power and whala.. I feel so much more confident and who I am. I don't always get it right and like I said I have a ways to go but it feels good to know I am firmly on my way.
Second evidence... even though I am working an average of 6 days a week this past week and a bit...with finding me and learning to BE the alpha and choosing to let go the anger and bitterness... my house is staying cleaner....weird eh?! haha seriously never been the housekeeper of the year or even close in the running BUT it's like a switch went off and I have been able to keep it a little more together...I had my carpets...which are white and totally a builders not so brilliant idea white is bad!! ..cleaned and I have been decluttering and sorting and able to keep on top of the girls a little more... it feels so much better to not walk into chaos everyday...chaos bad peaceful good!
Third evidence.... I feel like I have more of a voice. I feel like I am understanding boundaries in a healthy way. I feel like I have clarity, real clarity for the first time in a long time. I see people and situations for what they are. I have this picture I try to imagine when I feel hurt by the hatred others have for me and it works...pretty much, again with being at the beginning of all this it's not perfected yet :) ... I see myself with a cloak over me...kind of like the one on Lord of the Rings that made Frodo invisible...only this one is a forgiveness cloak... I can wrap it around me and hug it close to me and make the audible choice to forgive those that have hurt me.. and like the cloak on Lord of the Rings I can still see what is going on around me but I have the choice to be involved in it or simply shroud myself and continue to walk on my journey. I find that I am not getting as easily offended. I find that I am not staying in the hurt that I have been walking in. I find that even though darts and arrows will continue to fly cuz hey we live in a real world full of hurting people who hurt people...and I get that I hurt people as well!... I have the ability to give forgiveness. It's pretty amazing.
I find that in all this I have found enough of myself to never lose sight of me again... and that sounds SO cliche but it's so true. I think when us women get to this age we really begin to find ourselves. I think as moms and all the titles we wear we can get lost in it all...and finding me has been amazing. I know my weakness' and I know my strengths. I know not everyone will like me and some will continue to pretend to be my friends and there are those that are my real friends.... I am only responsible for me and my conduct and my attitude and showing the path of a great life as much as I can to my 4 amazing beautiful daughters. I would do anything for them and climbing out of the slews of despair, regret and pain which feels like climbing Mt Everest some days.... is all for them... and for me!