beyond hurting

I am hurting...big time. I was served the divorce papers today...the day before I leave for a holiday with my girls....first time in 31 years that I have been to Disneyland and now I am going with the knowledge that I have 30 days to get my affairs in order, to go to court in the city that he lives in, and with puffy eyes and I actually got so upset that I was sick to my stomach.  I did ask for him to wait until I got back but he couldn't..... I can't stop my mind from racing as to the whys of that....it is what it is I guess and I am still reeling

To say that I didn't know it was coming would be false. To prepare yourself for the ravaging of emotions is futile...and thats where I find myself at 2am with puffy eyes and a stomach threatening to revolt some more...at the wall of futility.

I cannot change the past... I cant even change my behaviour tonight... I wasnt so favorable to the woman who had the pleasure of serving me...a nd thats being polite. My friends held me back while my emotions took over. My anger seethed. The ultimate rejection was sky high, not just from him but from his family his friends and the loss of everything..... I have lost...people I once cared for, my best friend, a partnership I never dreamed would end,  my hopes and dreams as I knew them. I am beyond hurting.

So why am I writing this? I dont even know fully....besides the fact that I want a reminder of this night that I am sure none of my immediate family will ever forget... I want to remember the pain so it's never repeated. I want to remember the lengths people go to hurt and the lengths people go to comfort.

This pain is hard to endure. I cannot change it. I can only learn from it and hope and endevour to heal so I never end here again. One day I want to be building a foundation with someone who will love me for me and not on a foundation of  ..... well thats going down a too personal road.... I want to heal. I want my girls to see me be strong...sometimes I dont feel so strong, tonight being that sometime.

So I will go with my girls and put on a brave face and have fun with the babies that I love more then anything... I will prepare myself with my lawyer upon my return and get ready to finalize my reality. I will change my name and no longer be a Mrs.... I will be fine , I have to be, I am determined to be, once I get beyond hurting.

I know I have made changes, I have made progress and tonight I had to face the reality that I still have  a long way to go in my healing.

1 comment:

Janice Martin said...

It will be the hardest work you ever do, managing that relationship. The pain will subside, then there will be a scar... I like my scars...they mean I have survived and dare say it...rebounded!
J