a woman on the ledge

warning the nature and content of this post is highly emotional....do not read if you don't want to really know what I am going through....

Today was/is a tough day.... I have a lot of tough days but most of the time I am able to push myself through and keep going. I feel a little bit like a sleeping volcano.... I have been keeping some things, emotions and fun crap like that,  under the surface and I feel like the volcano is about to erupt... The idea of letting loose some of the feelings I have been holding back scares me a little...will I be able to turn it off? will I survive it? these are the 2 main questions that have kept the fires from erupting.

I have a feeling I won't be able to hold back much longer.... I am about to boil over.

I am SO done with game playing. I am SO done with being a victim and people trying to control me and me allowing them to control me! I am SO done with the meanness and cruelty that I have endured. I am SO done with not being heard....and not standing up for myself. I am SO done with being run over and not being who I am .... who I really am.

I want to cry.
I want to scream.
I want to go fetal!
I want to wake up and find out this all has been a bad bad dream.

I am so sad
I am so hurt
I am so deeply confused at how I have allowed myself to be treated
I am so confused by some behaviours that seem to be stuck on repeat and instant replay
I am so sick of being told lies
I am so sick of being treated and allowing myself to be treated like a yoyo
I am so done with disrespect
I am so done with trusting those I cannot trust
I am so done with making so many mistakes

I am

I am wanting peace in my life
I am wanting wholeness for my heart and for my daughters hearts
I am wanting to walk in complete forgiveness for myself and for those that have hurt me
I am wanting freedom
I am wanting security
I am wanting wherever I go to be a place of safety

The 13 week course that I am taking...and tomorrow will be my 3rd and it's on "anger"... is so far really good for me...it's good to hear others stories of what they have been through.... the newer ones to this process show me how far down the road I really am where there are so many times that I feel I am stuck in the beginning... it's a relief to know that I am not. I am giving myself the 11 weeks left to allow myself to continue to heal... to focus on being whole and nothing more. Those that cannot support, encourage and stand with me in that..are people I do not need in my life. Only those that want to see the best for me and my girls will be a part of the village I am trying to create. The hard part is when I have to send the girls off outside the village, outside the walls that I create and have no say in... I struggle with this, I can't imagine it ever gets easy.

This woman on the ledge has to take a huge leap.....for myself...no one else will!!

33 comments:

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Lala's world said...
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Shasher's Life said...
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Anonymous Supporter of the Right to Blog Without Judgement! said...
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Lala's world said...
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Anonymous said...

I know both very well also and this is what I know. They got married. Why? Cuz they loved each other. Along the way they made a couple big mistakes, together. Then J got sick. Depression and anger were just a couple things that came out of that. Lise did what she could and J spiraled into despair. Their dreams were destroyed. Neither of them saw this coming. They loved their life up north. Coming down to the coast was what they thought they needed to do. J's depression increased and Lise was left to hold things together. And from there things were not dealt with properly. These two made mistakes. These two have huge regrets. This is sad cuz of the potential they possessed. They got in the way of each other.
These two don't need anymore judgment. Both would tell you they are wrong

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Michelle said...
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Lala's world said...
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Audra Marie said...

I can identify with the cries of your heart. In my case, I was the one who caused my husband, and ultimately myself so much pain. Healing does come.