seasons

This morning I had to go to my Dr's office and as I was sitting in the waiting room.. waiting... across from me was an elderly lady and another lady talking...from what I could hear.. it's not a big waiting room... they hadn't seen in each other in a long time. Then the younger lady put her arm around the older lady and said " take care of yourself... (and then with a chuckle she added) ... no one else will".

A profound sadness seeped inside of me..... in a flash I remembered that throughout the past year I had said the same exact thing to others and had the same thing said to me

take care of yourself cuz no one else will

when I said it it was laced with bitterness and resentment....when it was said to me I can only think that they meant well but now sitting from where I am sitting it can only come from a personal experience that is now a personal truth to that person.

it's sad

it makes me deeply sad that I said it

makes me deeply sad to hear it said

I have mentioned in my posts about building a village....whatever your terminolgy is for your family or community, one should never feel or shall I say I would hope no one is in the position to utter that phrase. In my life and in my village or community, the people that I am living life with, I know I am surrounded by people who will take care of me and mine. I have people that I can depend on and they can depend on me. I am not living on an island as it were but in the redefining my role in life and in my identity I know that I am not alone.

Sitting in the waiting room hearing those words and my reaction to those words, I saw how far I have come in this process. I am no longer bitter and full of resentment...I still get angry at things but hey thats nothing new there are lots of things to get angry about in this word! it's not like I have never been angry before in my life! .... I am at a place where I can see where I was a lot more clearly. I feel like a 500 pound weight of bitterness has been lifted off me. It's like being able to hear the birds sing again after a long cold winter. Spring has arrived.

I never want to be in that place of bitterness and resentment again. I will face challenges yet unknown...again as we all will.... and I will purpose to remember where I have been and where I am going. I will purpose to be a friend mother sister and daughter that can be trusted and can trust.

I choose to let the anger go. I choose to forgive and forgive myself. I choose to continue to learn and heal and walk in my destiny whatever that may be.

I feel like I have crossed over a line. My heart feels more tender and soft. I have boundaries in place that need to be in place but I feel like my motives are more correct now.

I hear that song ..... baby mine..... being sung over me by the Creator of the Universe and it brings me so much peace..... I used to sing this song to my girls when they were babies. Last week when I was overwhelmed with soooo many emotions I was listening to sad songs over and over wallowing in self pity and despair and then that song came into my head and I felt I heard God say to me..... I am singing this over you.

It's how he feels about everyone and I mean everyone and knowing that and believing that.... it's freeing.

leads me to my next thought....there is a season and time for everything.... I am feeling like I am walking into my next season. Time to let go of any remaining unforgiveness and bitterness and walk in the freedom I have so desperatly wanted. Time to be at peace. Time to heal. Time to love. Time to put my arm around someone I see is struggling and be able to say... is there anything I can do? I am here for you.

Last night I watched Oprah with my 11 year old and as we were watching the story she was doing on Haiti that same stirring in me that I have had since I was a child stirred in her... she said momma lets sell everything and go....now while I don't think this is the season to that just yet... I did feel a renewing hope that the Season for me and the girls to go on trips around the world and help those less fortunate is coming.

1 comment:

Tanya said...

Great post :)
I identify with your journey on many levels and I like your honesty.
You and your girls are beautiful xo