Tonight I went to yet another Parent workshop put on by Colleen Drobot from the Neufeld Institute. Tonights subject was being IN the Alpha role as a parent. I wish I could have recorded it! If I had had enough battery on my phone I would have. Again there is no "do step 1 2 3 and you will have amazing children".... it is about altering your mind process and BEING the alpha... no magic wand...and thats all I want!! no formulas that are fail proof... just BE the parent. Why does it sound so simple?!
So again there was a TON of information and I am just going to highlight what stood out for me.... I am thinking about calling Colleen as she does personal consultations over the phone and I don't have to go all the way to her West Van office.....
discipline is a BIG topic... a touchy topic and within the course I am taking as well as the 2 workshops with 2 more to go, we haven't gotten into the depths of it, just a few touches... what was interesting to me tonight was that when she was talking about how harmful and alarming it is for us parents to take things away from our children that have NO part of the issue at hand...such as the child is not going to bed so you say I am going to take your Ipod away from her...if she was abusing the Ipod then it is fair to remove the Ipod and explain that we will give it a try again in a few weeks....but to take away something that is special to a child just in the name of discipline is not being naturally in your alpha position of power but trying to contrive power or grasp at power over the child. One parent put up their hand and interrupted and asked what about the theory or language us parents hear so much about about finding the child's currency... another parent said that is a Dr Philism... I have been told that by others when asking for advice about dealing with the girls several times..."find their currency" and take it away from them|"...in other words find out what is special and what motivates your child and take it away...when you put it like that it doesn't sound very loving and trustworthy does it? not to me at any rate. I find this all so interesting!! I can't wait to learn more and I am definitely going to buy his book.
the whole idea of being the alpha and not the victim...something I know I have portrayed to the girls AND others, shows me to be weak to them....the theory is to never appear that way...to stay in the moment, to be strong in your role as parent...not having to play the part but be the part.... I am not sure if I am explaining it right again...my brain is whirling to grasp it as there is something I recognize as truth in it and certainly what I have been doing with the girls is not working!!! let my nays be nays and my yay's be yay's... that is a fundamental in my childhood, a huge cornerstone of what I was taught and part of our underlying faith believes...somewhere along the way I lost it... somewhere I know I became the dependant instead of being one they can depend on. I got lost in what they call the female side and didn't hold the masculine side....ying and yang...being both sides of my brain.... being fair and yet firm... not spazing, not letting the girls see how tired I am and how often I don't know what to do with them but I have learned I should never let them know that...never speak it to them...power of words...another cornerstone of my childhood foundational teaching I received. Fake it till you make it is not so far fetched here. Finding the strength in me and holding on to that...when I say no be prepared to roll up my sleeves stand my ground and steer into the grid of the temper tantrum that will follow cuz I CAN handle it and I will let my no be no with no great explanation (as that would give away my alpha position and give them ammo to come back on me with ) and let them grieve the disappointment of the no and the feelings that come with that and realize that by doing all that I am teaching them they can rely on me, that I am strong enough and big enough and care enough and that I am their best bet... I have the answer.
It's all so empowering....I talked briefly to Colleen tonight...told her a little about my situation and how I feel overwhelmed...she said "you ARE overwhelmed...time to start building your village around you to assist you so you can gather the strength to be what your girls need you to be." I am thinking about who is in my village.... I already have several people I know are in my village, so time to lay my false pride to the side and ask for help. I do need help with my girls. I am not a victim by asking I am using my power as my girls parent to provide them with the best chance I can give them... and I know I am not alone...and greater still is my undeniable faith I have in the God of the Universe that is teaching me while I teach them and they teach me.
I won't stop trying till I get this. I am glad I signed up. Glad I am making the time when there is not much time to be had. It's a huge investment in the right area. It is going to take work but I am willing to do the work needed. I have 5 more sessions in the Power to Parent and I am going to sign up for the second group of sessions...2 more workshops... I plan to get some private consultation....build my village....do the work....find my strength..... and be the best mom I can be to the gifts that are my girls. Nothing less will do.