when the going gets tough.....paint :)

this is my painting I did tonight.... I had a bit of a weird day...was supposed to be my day "off" but I think I have learned today that there is no such thing when you are a mom of 4 and running a business! just a simple fact and the more I look forward to my down time and then it doesn't happen the more disappointed I become ... just not worth it and so time to change my wording/thinking for days off.
 I have been wanting to paint for a couple of weeks, it's one of the few things that I do that I can shut down the constant Rolodex of thinking my poor brain does and I can just BE... it's my meditation in a sense. The girls were supposed to go their dads last weekend and was re-scheduled for this weekend but the weather wasn't cooperating and so I didn't get any mom time off...again is there such a thing? it's not like you stop being a mom cuz they go away for a few days once in awhile ;) ..... so all week I have been thinking about painting...being creative and getting some me time... just a glass of wine some paints and some uplifting music. So having to readjust as I am getting used to, I decided to make it a fun mom girl time.... we had a few challenges and one of the girls ended up being sent upstairs for "alone-thinking" time and another girl had to clean paint that was splattered on my floor and wall... I see that it is actually still on the wall uh hem... and so it was just me and 2 of the girls :) but we put on Janny Grein cuz we couldn't find the classical music station on the tv channel....found a painting we could all agree on that we wanted to use as our inspiration....and started to paint.

(Faith's painting) I could lose myself in my thoughts even with a little added drama....cuz really thats my life... and thought lots of thoughts.

(Emily's painting)
 I thought... wow my daughters are talented!!! and I love that they can sit and paint with me like this. I thought a few sad thoughts as I recalled a conversation I had earlier in the day...one that I cannot blog about. I have made a few decisions lately... decisions to stand on my own but not on my own.. I know sounds confusing but I am finding myself despite myself and inside my faith. My faith is something that I honestly have struggled with. I am angry at God. I am feeling so many varied things. I do not question His existence...I do not question His Love... I do question so many other things though. BUT I will figure it out.. I will continue to seek and draw from what I do know. I did go to church today, a new church that thankfully has 3 services so I can almost always work it around soccer, and it was good to go again. Like breathing in fresh air. It's what I know and it's where I know me and the girls belong...not necessarily this particular church always...but church is something I need to make more of an effort to attend. So while I feel/know I have so much further to go.. I do feel like I am still making steps forward...even with the girls I am being stronger and stronger..much to their dislike!!!!... I am moving forward!! more on this later!
this picture speaks to me of fire within and yet surrounded by peace! I love it. ..... it's a Monet.

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