ramblings of a self proclaimed rambler

my first post of 2012...nothing exciting...nothing profound...just my usual ramblings and thought download process that I usually do..... I find my mind swirling and twirling with thoughts as this New Year begins....

first...work....aiy cruumba... I have my hands full... and I can't divulge it on here.... I can say that I have to come up with a working plan... my working smarter and not harder is going to require a few brain cells to figure out... work is NEVER off my mind... I am constantly thinking about how can I ... and what should I and OMG's screaming in my head!!! now the enormous chore of switching the restaurants POS system over to the one we use in the bakery falls into my lap... a BIG data entry job but well worth it in the long run...oh and a time clock on me as well... cuz pressure is my middle name don't you know??!!

working for a family business where I AM my parents retirement plan.... yah....pressure!! although I do seem to thrive on it! :)

I do wish my sister Shash....lived here so we could run the business' together...2 heads are better than 1 after all!!

OR.... now in a perfect world... and I know we are not .... but in a perfect world....someone wonderful would come and want to walk BESIDE me and HELP me....he would LOVE my girls....LOVE my crazy chaos called home and WALK with me .....but alas.... I find myself drifting off into a world of wishes and longings that are yet unfulfilled.... I get that I am "wishing" for a lot... I do feel the pressures of my life and see the crazy that is my fab 5... I get what a package deal I am... I know what I have to offer...and what I don't.... I am just feeling a lot these days....questionable health...due to stress and overworking I am sure....pressure that seems to build and not fade... I know total "doom on me" thoughts or what?! sitting in the middle of my despair and feeling all sorts of sorry for myself!! you see this weekend I was surrounded by a ton of kids..... all happy for the most part...I cooked...I cleaned and organized... I know GASP!! some of you thought I didn't know how!!! I loved it! I love being surrounded by noise and something to do... I see that a big part of my self worth comes from "doing"... and when I am not doing....well I am just not as happy. Bad? Good? somewhere in between? am I rambling yet? am I boring you yet?! :) Now that everyone is gone back to their own homes..my own girls getting ready for bed and the start of school again tomorrow...choke gag sputter I DO NOT cherish school mornings :) .... I am left alone in my room...it's quiet...it's peaceful.... and I am left alone with my thoughts and ramblings and very much aware...of my loneliness......sad? pathetic? human? it's not that I am not happy with who I am... I just am missing something I think.... I know.

How can I acquire what I would like in my life easily quickly and enjoy the process? a great friend has been teaching me to ask myself this question...... it's hard to answer sometimes as my mind wants to jump to the negative nelly answers... I can't, I won't, this is always how it will be...want to flood my mind and drive me into the heaps..... but I won't let that be me... I have 4 girls watching and waiting for me to drive this family into the future..... I am tired....tired of working as hard as I am... I wish I didn't have to work as many days as I do... BUT I have too... I am the ONLY provider my kids have right now... so I hold my head up every day and keep going.... tell them I am doing this for you...tell myself it's a season and won't always be this way.... I dream of love and will keep doing what I am doing in this place I find myself... it's life... it's not easy...it's not fair... it certainly is not boring! :)

I have challenges and I have joy... I have amazing family and friends.... I have a TON of ideas and aspirations... I have selfish needs and a LOT to give... I am me... a rambling single momma of 4 daughters who loves life even ...... even in the midst of it all! :)

how was that for my first post of the New Year?! :)







Comments

Meranda said…
That was awesome. You are an amazing woman! That was not rambling but heart felt and encouraging, press on and press in to God, He will be there!!

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