my first post of 2012...nothing exciting...nothing profound...just my usual ramblings and thought download process that I usually do..... I find my mind swirling and twirling with thoughts as this New Year begins....
first...work....aiy cruumba... I have my hands full... and I can't divulge it on here.... I can say that I have to come up with a working plan... my working smarter and not harder is going to require a few brain cells to figure out... work is NEVER off my mind... I am constantly thinking about how can I ... and what should I and OMG's screaming in my head!!! now the enormous chore of switching the restaurants POS system over to the one we use in the bakery falls into my lap... a BIG data entry job but well worth it in the long run...oh and a time clock on me as well... cuz pressure is my middle name don't you know??!!
working for a family business where I AM my parents retirement plan.... yah....pressure!! although I do seem to thrive on it! :)
I do wish my sister Shash....lived here so we could run the business' together...2 heads are better than 1 after all!!
OR.... now in a perfect world... and I know we are not .... but in a perfect world....someone wonderful would come and want to walk BESIDE me and HELP me....he would LOVE my girls....LOVE my crazy chaos called home and WALK with me .....but alas.... I find myself drifting off into a world of wishes and longings that are yet unfulfilled.... I get that I am "wishing" for a lot... I do feel the pressures of my life and see the crazy that is my fab 5... I get what a package deal I am... I know what I have to offer...and what I don't.... I am just feeling a lot these days....questionable health...due to stress and overworking I am sure....pressure that seems to build and not fade... I know total "doom on me" thoughts or what?! sitting in the middle of my despair and feeling all sorts of sorry for myself!! you see this weekend I was surrounded by a ton of kids..... all happy for the most part...I cooked...I cleaned and organized... I know GASP!! some of you thought I didn't know how!!! I loved it! I love being surrounded by noise and something to do... I see that a big part of my self worth comes from "doing"... and when I am not doing....well I am just not as happy. Bad? Good? somewhere in between? am I rambling yet? am I boring you yet?! :) Now that everyone is gone back to their own homes..my own girls getting ready for bed and the start of school again tomorrow...choke gag sputter I DO NOT cherish school mornings :) .... I am left alone in my room...it's quiet...it's peaceful.... and I am left alone with my thoughts and ramblings and very much aware...of my loneliness......sad? pathetic? human? it's not that I am not happy with who I am... I just am missing something I think.... I know.
How can I acquire what I would like in my life easily quickly and enjoy the process? a great friend has been teaching me to ask myself this question...... it's hard to answer sometimes as my mind wants to jump to the negative nelly answers... I can't, I won't, this is always how it will be...want to flood my mind and drive me into the heaps..... but I won't let that be me... I have 4 girls watching and waiting for me to drive this family into the future..... I am tired....tired of working as hard as I am... I wish I didn't have to work as many days as I do... BUT I have too... I am the ONLY provider my kids have right now... so I hold my head up every day and keep going.... tell them I am doing this for you...tell myself it's a season and won't always be this way.... I dream of love and will keep doing what I am doing in this place I find myself... it's life... it's not easy...it's not fair... it certainly is not boring! :)
I have challenges and I have joy... I have amazing family and friends.... I have a TON of ideas and aspirations... I have selfish needs and a LOT to give... I am me... a rambling single momma of 4 daughters who loves life even ...... even in the midst of it all! :)
how was that for my first post of the New Year?! :)