the learning process...or part of it at any rate
I just noticed that my last post was my 700the post!!! well actually I have done a lot more than that but I deleted a lot from when I was at first going thru the separation... I have gone back and forth on that.... part of me is like DON"T READ THIS if you don't want to know what I have to say! and I don't get how people are upset with my tiny little blog with snippets of what I have to say?! anyways I have rambled on about this before.... my point was I have written more than 700 posts and I just bunny trailed onto a hot topic for me.
having said that.....there are a lot of topics that are hot for me..... living out this past year you cannot know how many times I have wanted to pour everything out here...this is my therapeutic place... I get thoughts rambling through my head and I need to get them out and this has been a great outlet for me for the past 6 years! I can hardly believe it's been 6 years! If I had known then what life experiences I would have lived out ..... wowsers!!
obviously I am living in a bit of a concentrated time....by that I mean the external stuff is so INTERNAL that it is pretty much overtaking....did that make sense?! :) I cannot help be a bit self centered in my ramblings as it all feels like little bubbles floating up inside of me...they have to get out... I know I still have a lot left to feel to heal kind of bubbles.
I like the picture I posted above not only cuz it is me with 2 of my 3 sisters and holding each other up is what sisters who are also friends do! and that I can see how much weight I have lost not only in that pic from 6 months prior to that picture but again from that picture to now :) not a great diet plan but I do believe that my eating habits overall have changed and I have not only NOT gained back the weight I started loosing a year ago I have continued to lose more. :) I love that we are all laughing together... I have to say that I love my sisters and I love my family and I love love love that we know how to really laugh together! we hold each other up....we cry together....and we laugh together... I am blessed.
speaking of blessings....my friend was asking me today if I could list 10 things quickly that are blessings in my life...it wasn't hard to come up with 10....the whole point being to be concentrating on the blessings in a life so full of negative things and negative emotions.....to feel the feelings that come with thinking on the blessings.... it's a great exercise! I am going to keep that up...and want to teach the girls!
I want to teach the girls so many things... I want to teach them how to keep laughing and smiling and being real and feeling the bubbles as they come up on the inside and to be the most successful them they can be. It's a big mandate...one that overwhelms me a lot and I feel sorry for myself at times at the size of the task and the fact that I am down a parent sort to speak as I am pretty much raising them on my own now. Their dad gets to be the fun weekend no rules no daily responsibility kind of dad and I am the full time here parent who does all the driving, all the listening, all the responsibility and all the providing... it's draining. I used to be the big softy... ok I am still a softy I cannot completely change who I am but I am learning to be more firm and consistent...this is a big daily re-learning lesson as it does not seem to come so naturally for me. Did I mention I work a TON?! I do... I am tired! then my health hasn't been great and then yadda yadda yadda I am spiraling into the "heap" of pity parties and despair. wow that was fast!! I carry a lot of pressures. I carry a lot of pressures as a mom and the only present parent in the girls lives. I carry a lot of pressures with 2 family business that 1 I am trying to run and step into more of the other. I carry a lot of pressures just with life in general. It's a lot. I think the bottom line is I don't want to do it alone...and while I realize that I am not alone...specially when I have to spend 15 min sweeping the crumbs out of MY bed total grrrr moment for me thanks to my youngest precious one!!!....I am alone in a lot of my pressures. My children have other family but none that carry what I carry and although some help more then others and some simply choose not to help at all.... I am aware that it is my responsibility alone.
I think even outside of my martial status and the breakdown of the marriage a mom carries a lot of the pressures and responsibilities. I think we tend to worry more and carry more of the emotional end of raising our kids. I am not saying men don't, I am thinking that women being the emotional creatures we are...just do it more! I would be worrying about my oldest graduating high school and helping her plan her next steps even if their dad was still here or if I had an "other" partner a part of all of our daily lives.... I would be planning the birthday parties alone cuz I always have anyways. I did find signing just my name on the Christmas presents hard this year but not the solo shopping and solo wrapping cuz I did that solo forever. It's all learning for myself even as I teach the girls to stand by each other and hold each other up and laugh together even when you don't feel like it....just like me and my sisters do!