I recently...like yesterday and today recent....signed myself up for 2 workshops.... I am not sure how this is all going to work being out for 2 nights in a row as a single mom...but I felt it was important enough to do... all steps right?!?!
so the first group I signed up for is called Divorce Care.... I figure since part of my problem is living in my reality versus holding on to the dreams and possibilities....it was time for me to take the steps forward to bring in more healing and I love the idea that this is a support group as well...others who know the depth of the pain that I have experienced this past year. I do have a friend who is going thru the same thing...sadly...that I am... we both hate that the other is experiencing what we are living out but we are glad to have each other and the support that we can bring each other.
Let me say that I never thought I would be divorced. It's still very surreal to me...even though it's not legal yet.... parts of me have held on that some "miracle" would happen and all this would go away. I know now there is no "miracle" but a series of choices that would have had to happen on both sides. The inner struggle of all this is hard to describe...it's pretty brutal a lot of the time and a lot of emotion and energy goes into putting one foot in front of the other which gets easier day by day...there are set backs on the road....memories that threaten to pull you back under....children that you live with that are pulled between it all and watching them struggle is probably the worse pain of all.... and the knowledge that they feel pulled more because I feel so pulled all over the place. The whole thing breaks my heart and the sadness is a type I never thought possible. so......going to get some healing with this group I think is a good thing...learn to put things in perspective and gain some more ground.
I would do anything to change my reality.... so I am!
the second workshop I signed up is for a parenting class based on the teachings of Gordon Neufeld called the Power to Parent.... here is a little overview on the course
The secret of the power to parent lies in children being in right relationship to their parents. The more difficult the child or the problems, the more this is true. It is this very relationship that is being eroded by cultural chaos, by competing attachments to peers, and by parenting practices that interfere with the development of attachment. To compensate for the loss of cultural wisdom we must become conscious of attachment and then parent with attachment in mind. The only salvation for parenting that is truly natural and intuitive is to work at attachment and let attachment work for us.
I also signed up for 4 workshops held at our school led by Colleen Drobot who is a faculty member of the Neufeld Institute. These are once a month and last night was the first session....it was really good..information packed full and my head is still chewing and processing all I tried to absorb. I SO get that I am not in an "alpha" position with the girls... this needs to change!! Last nights title was Relationship Matters....the thing she said she hoped we took away the most from last night was the idea/teaching to "collect" your children....I am not sure I can explain it well here as I am still just grasping that concept....but it's to get their eye connection ...basically to make a connection with your children...during conflict..last thing at night...first thing in the morning...to get that connection to bring them back to your side figuratively speaking. So I was challenged with this this morning as I find happens most times when you learn something new and have an uh ah moment....you get smacked right away with a big challenge with it! She talked about the different development stages of children and the idea that attachment is the single most important thing in your child's life..... you don't run away from "home" you run to where you feel safe....wow! she also challenged my discipline beliefs by giving the analogy about taking things away from your kids as a discipline... she said....think of your relationships with your friends, if you make a mistake with them do they say to you "well since you did that I am going to cancel Tuesday nights dinner" or "I don't like how you just talked to me so give me back the birthday present I gave you"..... when you look at it that way... it just doesn't make much sense. She wasn't saying if your kids are abusing something you don't take it away from them for a time...but to take away things that are special or important to them...especially your time!!! as a punishment sends the child into "alarm" and you haven't dealt with the root of the issue but reinforced something deeper happening then the "symptom" aka acting out that the child just did. The teaching believes there are much less harmful disciplines that are more effective... I can't wait to learn them!
So it's a new way of thinking and I know what I have been doing really hasn't been working for me! Add to that the fact that I am sure that all 6 of us... I include their dad in this... are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... and I have been doing my best at being a full time single parent this past year...then add meeting girlfriends, girlfriends children and boyfriends....and yah.... it's been a hell of a year. So time to get back on track! time to get some help! time to be obedient to doing what I feel I need to be doing, staying strong for the girls and concentrating on my relationship with them and God before adding an outside relationship to the mix....and be prepared to think way outside my box!!
It's part of my strategy to live in my reality and keep moving forward in my life.