Spending an hour in the ER every morning watching people come and go...sitting beside a kid probably about 14 years old get IV meds in his pic line and hear his mom say yes we are here for 3 weeks....meeting the "regular misfits" as one of the men call us...he had his appendix burst in his belly in Nov and keeps getting infection after infection throughout his body...one lady is there as a PIG actually attacked her and she has 148 stitches in her leg! it's an interesting hour to say the least. Put things into perspective for me. Makes me grateful once again for my health...even though something is still going on and isn't quite right.....a burst cyst and what they thought had happened makes me thankful for the burst cyst, although I never want to go through that pain again.
Leads me to my next thought....pain.... as I look back on 2011 and the quickly approaching New Year and the 1 year anniversary to the end of my marriage, I see a lot of pain. 2011 = pain. There are months that seem like a big blur as I was hardly even in survival mode...just getting by....gut wrenching pain. Divorce is a death and yet no one brings you meals and gives you a grieving time to pull yourself together. I have been reading books about it and the same thing is said by women going thru this ordeal...it's a death and one of the most painful things you will go through in your life. I am not even officially divorced yet and know I have some more pain to go through before I can finally put it all behind me. How do you put a lifetime with someone you loved behind you? Even last night my dad was going through old photos and of course they are filled with the girls dad....he was and will always be a part of my life. Letting go is hard and being able to separate yourself from what you have too to be able to keep walking forward seems at times an insurmountable task....and yet as a mom of 4 girls what other choice do I have?
I am 37 1/2 years old. I have experienced pain trauma and turmoil in my life to fill a few people's lifetimes. I have been a victim and I have victimised. I have been hurt and I have caused hurt. I have been wronged and I have wronged others. Sometimes I feel like my life has a bit of a tornado effect where I have left destruction in my path. Heavy stuff! but how I have felt nonetheless.
Now 1 full year later. I have cried and sobbed and tortured myself with the pain and consequences of my choices and choices made against me. I have lost people I have loved. I have hurt people. I have been judged and been the judge. I have laughed and found segments of peace as I have pieced my life back together. I have found an inner determination to keep moving forward even if its at a snails pace. I have renamed my little, ok not so little family, the Fab 5. I have had to start being a full time parent and the only provider. I have worked myself twice now into the hospital. I have found a new level of relationship with my 2 oldest daughters and bigger challenges with my youngest 2. I will continue to find my legs and backbone and learn a little thing that I have lacked in my life called "consistency" and I will press forward.
A year of firsts.
First trip to Mexico as an adult....first time taking the girls on a big trip like that!....first time taking myself away for a weekend away just me my kleenex box and a hotel room....first time driving an RV....first RV road trip with me and the girls....first time driving to the Oregon Coast....first time living in a townhouse...first time living alone with just the girls....first Thanksgiving without my girls with me....first Christmas as a single mom....so many firsts...some harder than others...some amazing!
A new year
I cautiously view this new year with a lot of hopes....but being hurt the way I have I have to say that I am still guarded! I have hope that my Fab 5 group will continue to strengthen and grow together. I have hope for each of my girls no different then I ever have. I have ideas and plans for my business to help take it to the next level and ensure it to be successful and have me working smarter not harder and be able to support me and the girls without the 6-7 days a week that I have done this past year. As I step into taking a larger roll at the restaurant and when I take over for the 3 months that my parents are going away this year I really hope to have a good plan in play!
This year my oldest graduates high school!! crazy!!
This year my 2nd daughter finishes elementary school... crazy!!!
This year I plan on driving the RV to California!
This year I plan on working smarter not harder!
This year I plan on continuing to stand in who I am!
This year I will make great memories with the girls and be the best me I can be. Sounds cliche but it's believing in Hope and without Hope the heart gets sick!
So I face 2012 with Hope!