I was ready to hear and see the answers I was so very desperate to have. I am so happy to say....I got them! I will not share too much of my revelations and discoveries as it is highly personal and not something you would even understand unless you were me or someone who has walked very closely to me all my life. If you do know me and are curious about where I went and are at the point that you are willing to invest a weekend and of course some expense into yourself then please email me and I would be happy to explain more and give you the information.
What I can share openly is that I had lost my identity. You don't have to go through a crisis for this to happen! I actually believe that most mothers lose their identity at one point or another... we become nurses, bum wipers, puke cleaners, maids, wet nurses, more bum wiping, snot wiping, referee...and so on!! there is a time when we lose ourselves and give all of ourselves to our wee little ones...that is natural and what I also believe is supposed to happen. Once the kids are more independent I believe mothers start to be able to find themselves again and can give themselves a little more attention..that is until the next baby comes along :) It's what we were created to do. Put our babies and little ones first.
So while this happened with me something also very traumatic happened to me when I was 19 years old that changed the course of my life. I have blogged about it somewhat on here and again it's pretty personal so I don't divulge too much. It's enough to say that I had severe trauma. Severe. I used to be this confident girl...well maybe a little over confident :) but confidence was not my problem.. I totally had other issues but I knew who I was... I had a plan... nothing could really detour me off that plan. I was a planner. When this trauma happened it opened doors for all sorts of chaos in my belief system and changed who I thought I knew myself to be. Basically I changed. I lived with fear. Constant fear that if I made the wrong move or the wrong decision something really bad would happen to me. I really figuratively haven't stopped running since. I am exhausted. My body is exhausted. My soul mind and spirit are exhausted. Once I could see the shift... where the root of it came from... understood the un-godly belief that one wrong move would bring disaster, that I had become so afraid to make a mistake that I lost trust in everyone around me, in God and in myself. I mean WHOA people ..... this is big stuff for me... I get that some of you might think nothing of this...for me this belief system that had me running in total fear directed me down a path and paths that I never would have gone. All that being said it's not like my life since then has been a total disaster!!! not saying that at all... but I have suffered much loss and pain and experienced much grief and sadness...most of it from the same root. It's pretty amazing for me to know I am free of that now!
This is just one example of many that I saw and am free from now. It is going to still take some work to change my thinking habits and to confess truth over me instead of the lies about myself that I believed. It's an amazing feeling. Over the weekend the couple that ministered to me could see me physically relaxing to the point where the last couple of sessions all I could do was yawn! I even slept 2 nights in a row with no sleeping pill and had deep sleeps!! that hasn't happened in MONTHS!! a not so little miracle for me!
So the work continues... and I know going back to my busy life the traps for me to fall into the same patterns will be there...but I feel empowered.. I AM empowered and I see what I need to see for right now and I am confident that I am a confident woman who is so much more than what I have been living!
Change is a real good thing!