lifting the veil

It has been 3 weeks since the big shave and for the most part the biggest emotion I felt was empowerment and liberation. There are definitely strange moments when I walk past a mirror and get a glimpse of my reflection and have a small panic attack. Moments where I feel slightly unsure of what I look like.

Yesterday was the first day that was hard for me... or at least harder.

I found myself feeling a little more insecure. I felt masculine. Like all my softness was gone. It was unexpected how strong those feelings were. Without makeup I look like a boy.. a young boy at least but still a boy. I resemble my father extremely! and his side of the family....who by the way we just found out are from a Swedish background not the Norwegian we had always believed. .. When I got out of the shower yesterday and I walked by the full length mirror I found that I was not only shocked by what I saw, in that sometimes I still don't recognize my body and the changes that 36 years of evolution has done to me!! but I saw how square my shoulders are and short my neck is. My head is quite square and I definitely look every inch Scandinavian! I had to do a little shopping therapy to find a nice soft purple sweater last night, I so needed a soft feminine look.
Without hair I think you really notice other things, there is a true starkness when you look in the mirror and you is all you can see. I think it is fair to say that throughout the majority of history a woman's hair was the woman! It was our covering, our modesty, our crowning glory, our veil and so much of our security and how we define ourselves, our look, is in our hair. Remove that and you have to rediscover yourself a little bit.
Women/girls battling cancer and loosing their hair with no choice like I did, are amazing women. All that they are dealing with, fighting for their lives and then to be so unveiled on top of it all....astonishing how they deal with that.
Today a friend is "running for the cure" after winning a battle with breast cancer at the young age of 33. Loosing a breast is a whole other thing that I can hardly imagine.
Image and how we see ourselves is something we cannot get away from. Strip down all the different looks from hippy to vogue and we are all trying to portray a statement of who we are. Fat, thin and in between most of us are not happy, and if you are you would never dare say you are as you don't want to seem vain and conceited.
Being truly happy with ourselves inside and out may be a life long journey to find!


I love this. I too lost all my wonderful, long hair when I went through chemo in 1993. It was my identity, it was who I was, it was my protection, my security. At least, that is what I thought until it was gone. I am grateful today for everything that surrounded me losing my hair. I connected with what was in my heart instead of what the exterior said. God taught me about my inner beauty. When I see you, I see God's presence all over you - hair or not.

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