high school dilemmas

The troubles my oldest had at school this past Spring never fully resolved. By that I mean.....she basically lost all her close friends and the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. She is already probably my most emotional child of the 4 girls.....and at 16 she is in full swing. I can see her at school in my minds eye...self consciously shuffling down the hallways, looking but NOT looking for her now ex-friends who have gone on with life like she never existed and all is right in their world, trying to make it thru to the dreaded lunch hour where she can sneak away find a corner on the library floor and lose herself in a good book. As a mom this has been so hard, one of the hardest parenting experiences so far. Part of me wants to keep her at home let herself shut out the world and all those that could hurt her and part of me is so afraid of her doing exactly that.

We had to make her go to school some of those days with big tears in her eyes and the sag in your shoulders you never want to see in your child. It was so hard. We didn't want her to fail any of her classes and this year she has Provincials, way too crucial to skip. She finished the year, tried to make some new friends, endured to what is the worst experience a teenage girl can go thru with friendships and now it's summer. We have told her she can pick a new high school..... our not so little town now has 3 high schools.....we have told her she can stay there if she wants but in my heart I think that would be pure torture. She told us yesterday she wants to do school on line for a semester and if she doesn't like it then she will switch to a new high school. She is starting grade 11....holy cow can hardly even believe that!... she only has 2 years left and with a dream of going to college I am nervous all this will interfere with those plans....and no they are definitely her plans to!

As her mom I want to wrap her up in bubble wrap and yet again am afraid of that. The fact is girls are mean and cruel and no matter what school she goes to, no matter what college she goes to, or what job she works at.....she will most likely meet a "mean" girl. I have had several of the same experiences she had in high school from a child to adulthood. Not everyone gets along! Some people are nasty......sometimes we are nasty......it's life. So how to teach her that without it crushing her? that is the trick I am not sure of. This is where I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

So do I force her to go to the new high school? make her start all over again and face being the new kid...again! she just did this 2 years ago after moving back down from the North where she was the new kid 2 years before that.....she has been the new kid a couple of times now...not something she enjoys. Do I let her do on-line schooling? she can do her work in the safety of our home and behind a computer where she already spends 80% of her time? She is healing slowly from this and that is so hard to see. She definitely has decided to not return to the old high school she realizes the pain of seeing them everyday is just too hard.

(just a background on what happened....basically her little group of 5 girls met a boy, 1 handsome boy, all 5 girls liked 1 boy, boy liked 1 girl but flirted with other 4 girls, my girl started to see the chaos in it and started pulling back, the other 4 girls turned viciously on my girl.....obviously there is more to it then what I wrote here and I am sure a lot more than I even know...all I know is my daughter had a great little group of very close friends and now she has none)

So I am asking the big wide world out there...or the few that read my blog!..... what would you advise? have you had a similar experience? do you have a teenager that went thru a similar experience and if so what did you do? have to be honest not really looking to hear from anyone that hasn't either gone thru this yourself or doesn't have a child who has gone thru it!!! just sayin! :)

5 comments:

Tammy Goertzen said...

oh lise reading your blog was heart renching...i know how mean girls can be...i was bullied by girls most of my school years...i however did not have a wonderful suportive, loving mom/family....leaving situations doesn't change who we are just the location...let her decide....besides that one boy will decide who he wants and then the rest of the girls will be left behind....your sweet girl saw this coming and was smart enough to walk away and say this is not ok!...sounds like she knows what she wants...smart girl. love you lise praying this will all work out for the greater good and God will provide much better friends for your daughter...love Tammy

Reg said...

I have a little sister, does that count? Lise, this is about your kid, not someone elses. First thing, she'd better tell you the whole truth if she wants to change schools. If you don't know already, that is. Second, online and/or home schooling would be a huge mistake. I have relatives that did that and two of those girls are afraid of their own shadows. The other one ran away and is still rebeling to this day. If situation warrents it, change schools. If not, then she need to get over it. This is small potatoes compared to what out there in the real world waiting for her. She needs to learn to deal with it now when the concequences are still relatively minor. That's the truth of the matter. Lead them in the way they must go, and thats ahead. No running away from life. Adversity build strength of character. If the other girls are not harrassing her any longer then the fear is all in her head. Time to live her life and not let the world live it for her. She chooses to feel the way she does. Now if they are constantly picking on her then perhaps another school is in order, especially before your otherkids reach highschool age. You do not want to split them up. That would not be fare to the others. Family sticks together. So true friendships. Not silly little girl friendships. That is all she had from the sound of it. No worth anymore tears or anxiety. Anxiety, now that the kicker. Feed it, and you will never get ride of it, it will just grow and fester. Why? Because you never learned, and/or had the strength to deal with it. We all have our strengths, Lise, don't let your kids feed their weaknesses. Feed their strengths and teach them to overcome their weaknesses. One more thing, the Lord is not our crutch, he is a mighty hand. Who can stand against us. Tie that in to what the Lord says about family and true friendships. She is not alone, she is part of an army. Who can stand against us!! SO STAND AND FIGHT AND LIVE!!! Amen! Amen!! Praise the LORD>

PS. Sorry could not help myself, I was picked on as a kid, alot because I was different. Because I was better. I put all my money on Morgan to be better also. She would not be a target if she was not. Plus, I've met her and her parents. She's definetly better. Love yah! Lord bless. Cheers.

Stephanie said...

Hey Babe,
I say let her try a semester online. It's only 6 month of your life to see if it works or doesn't. I did it to graduate after my "mishap" with friends. It worked for me, however you have to be dedicated! :)

Jensboys said...

I think that at this point in her life friendships are pretty important. We have tweaked schooling options for our kids over the years so these are my suggestions

#1) - Let her "homeschool" online IF and ONLY IF she is well connected to a youth group or other group of friends regularly. You do not want her isolating herself.

#2) Consider a small private school where socially she might not get so lost. This would actually be my first choice - yeah its pricey and a sacrifice but in the end might be the most successful.

#3) ditch the large public school idea all together.

Lala's world said...

Reg I just knew you couldn't keep away :)

She is very angry right now and adament that she is NOT going back to school....she just "can't take it anymore".. I just don't think she has the drive to do on-line schooling, my instinct is to say no you can't shut yourself out, her defience in the matter makes it more difficult but easier for me to push her to a new school....defience like that makes my back go up and since I am pretty easy going that is saying a lot. I am looking into the private school she attended for grade 1-3..it would be a huge sacrifice for us but starting to think it might be the best choice.
Thanks for your input... I am a firm believer in takes a community to raise a child! we really appreciate it!

L