the essence of me

I have been busy lately... I know shocker right?! I am always busy and I can admit I thrive on being busy. I love learning new things and being challenged....ok to a point I like to be challenged.

There is a turn around at work with a few people leaving and me having to hire some new fresh faces. I have to say that all this is challenging me! I actually hate having to call people back and tell them I didn't hire them. I don't like to make people feel bad. I thought it might be that I don't want people to think badly about me and while I believe no one wants to be disliked I do not believe this is my driving reason. I like to make people feel comfortable. I like people to like being with me. I do not like confrontation! now, being a manager, makes this literally impossible! especially with a few of the growing pains a new business experiences. My heart starts to race and I get prickly heat in the back of my neck. My throat closes on me when I try to talk and my ears start ringing. I hate that feeling! I do not like knowing my body is physically reacting to what I cannot avoid.

When I worked at the hotel I loved being the mediator. I was actually really good at it. I could sit there easily and confidently and mediate between 2 very different people with 2 very different personalities and help them come to a middle ground of understanding. I loved it. This however is different. Being the manager means that I am the one having to address the issues, not mediate the issues. I did learn a lot from my cousin last weekend when we went to Whistler Zip Trekking, (ok that was sooooooooooo fun I highly recommend going).****I am learning to take me time doing what I want and making it count!)**** She is a life learner and has taken a lot of courses in mediation and conflict resolution. She recommended I read a book called "crucial conversations", I am hopeful that will help. It helped just talking about it. She helped me to look at one in particular issue I have to address with one employee and break it down to a simple yet crucial conversation and remove my emotion from it. I feel so much more enabled, although this is part of my job that I dread.

Yesterday we went to the Food Expo in Vancouver, it was great. I met some new possible vendors and loved talking to the sales reps and learning more information on what is out there. In that situation I am totally in my element. It feels natural to me. This side of my job is exciting and I love it.

This week I have 2 special events, one for the local chamber of commerce and the other is my sisters 20 year High School Reunion. I LOVE doing special events, from the planning and organizing to the execution. I love mingling with people, serving them and watching them enjoy the venue. I love talking... I know I am full of shockers today :) This aspect of my job I also love.

It's funny to me all the different aspects of my job that is so integrated with my life, the fact that both my parents and my in-laws are the owners does indeed write that into stone! The store has become so many different aspects of my personality from my weak points to my strengths. This is sometimes a good thing and maybe sometimes not such a good thing.

It has been hard for me to separate the work me and the home me. I literally am at the store if not in body then in mind 24/7. This at times is exhausting. I treasure my day off.... I say day b/c it really only comes down to 1 day a week that I get to do anything for myself....and that is not even a guarantee. I have to say that having our pool open and running and heated is blissful and I love coming home at the end of the day and having a float...I don't really like swimming but I love to float!....with my girls. They love having me in the pool with them and I love the conversations that open up between us. They are growing up so quickly and becoming such little women.

There are so many sides to me that makes me who I am and I can tend to be hard on myself for my weakness', but I think I need to let that go and while I believe improving oneself is a good thing at any time, I am starting to think that maybe my weaknesses add to the essence of me.


Shash said…
Don't forget the biggest event!!! YOUR SISTER FLEW OUT FROM ONTARIO AND IS HERE NOW FOR A WEEK..... :-)
rena said…
Heh sweetie! I feel a coaching session coming on. LOL. First, you can't "make people feel bad" - they do that all by themselves. No one can make anyone feel anything...we can only communicate in ways that send messages, that when received, generate feelings, but those feelings come from within them, not from you. And second, heart beating, prickly on the neck, constricted breathing etc, when conflict looms says... YOU'RE ALIVE!!! Those are totally normal biological reactions to conflict, and stress. It's uncomfortable when it happens, but actually has a very useful purpose (creates alertness, the ability to make quick decisions, and enables quick, strong, physical response should that become necessary) You want this physical stuff going on in you when in's for your own safety and benefit!! I believe the discomfort one feels from these physical reactions is one of the main reasons so many people avoid conflict in the first place...they don't like feeling like this. As you said "I hate it when this happens". But, your body is "obeying" the signals your brain is sending to protect you..that is how God designed it to be, so love that it happens! The trick is to be present to yourself when it happens...FEEL your body, and be mindfully focused on what it's doing, your breathing, your heartbeat, etc. It takes practise, and eventually you will be able to find the way to focus on the conflict, while attending to your self and your body at the same time. But you never want to never have it happen, because these physical reactions are there for a purpose. Plus it means you've numbed out and that's not good either! I still experience physiological reactions to stress in conflict, and have learned to breath my way through while still being present to what's at hand. And finally, third...we really really must go ziptreking again!!!!!!!!!!!'
Love you tons!!! Lets get together soon.

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