Thanks to my sister my last post got a lot of traffic and more comments then I get in a year :)
I think it's a pretty serious subject and one that has been taboo. I think there has been a lot of judgement against it and even more misunderstanding. I have now been on both sides of the debate. I tend to think as women and then even more as mothers we face so many more emotions/feelings to deal with.
One friend I was talking to recently told me that she thinks I have been depressed for a long time. She saw me at one of my low points almost 2 years ago right after we moved back down to the Coast and I had been caught in a could be very ugly law suit with a fundraiser gone oh.so.bad. when I was chair of the girls Elementary School PAC, working full time, and being home alone with 5 kids (my 4 and a 10 year old exchange student).....those were crazy times..... I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. The year before I have to say I did everything I knew how to do to deal with the diagnosis of J's disease......this included the entire gamut of drinking a lot, stuffing all my feelings into the inner most part of my being, learning how to put on a strong face and pretend to be super woman, times of actually dealing with it, drinking, stuffing, eating, denial, eating, drinking, crying, and hours of being lost in my head. I think you could safely say that I was "dealing" with it the only way I knew how, how can you really be prepared for such a thing?.....the tricky part was the guilt that consumed me when I thought or realized I wasn't dealing with it right or as well as I thought I could/should be. For every time I didn't feel like I was dealing with it correctly or spiritually enough I felt guilty. I think that may be where the depression crept in, the feeling that I was not dealing right/correctly or good enough. Now that seems crazy!! but as I was talking to my cousin last night ...chatting away on facebook.... I even feel guilty when I don't feel like I have accomplished enough on my days off! she said, ' so basically you feel like even though you have 4 children, work full time at a demanding stressful job, and have a husband you have to be productive on your down time?"....I could add to that list a hubby with a chronic illness and is self-employed 2 other pretty big stresses..... um ....yes?! I replied sheepishly!! Isn't that nuts? why do we do that to ourselves? I say we cuz I know I am not alone in that...at least I hope not! I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish on my 4 days off and didn't complete it and so by 6pm last night I started to berate myself for all the things I didn't get to! not even at all reflecting on what I did get done, or the simple fact that my house has stayed pretty darn clean for an entire week and I have kept on top of the 30+ loads of laundry I do a week! So why the guilt? why do we put so much pressure on ourselves on top of what society already does?! mind boggling...makes me wonder how any of us sleep?!
I think I could go on and on....
my positive steps forward:
get my butt in all it's glory ( baby got back ) to the gym!!
cut way back on coffee if not out all together GULP DOUBLE GULP
paint at least once a week
keep blogging about it :)
keep talking about my stuff with friends/family/Dr, I am sure they are all happy to know that they are probably all rolling their eyes saying YOU ALREADY TALK TOO MUCH!!
make lists.....that are reasonable
make me time
continue to work on eating healthier
post positive sayings/beliefs around me so I can read them several times a day
I think that's a good start.